Rarely Coherent - Where sentences are done good.

Road rage & 1990s children's programming

2009-07-17T14:15:00.002-04:00

If any of you have ever been in the car with me, you'll know I'm a pretty neutral driver. I do the speed limit, I mumble about how the guy behind me is being a dick, and I just go on my merry way. No road rage, no speeding, nothing. It's the farthest from Vin Diesel you'll ever encounter, actually.

Today on route 9 I see a sedan come peeling up behind me. I glare in my rearview mirror and ignore her. Suddenly I see that she's doing the classic attempt of trying to change lanes to pass me, but lo and behold: all of us are generally doing the speed limit. She's stuck behind my ass.

She starts revving her engine a bit to try and push me to speed up. I stare back in my mirror at her and see a sight that startled me greatly.

She was in her mid 40s, had frizzy orange hair, and a vibrant purple/pink shirt on. My jaw dropped. I knew this woman. Let me tell you: I knew her well.

What happened to sweet Ms. Frizzle to turn her into a raging cunt?

Perhaps she lost her magic school bus since her DUI and never recovered since.

Could it be that her pet dinosaur left her behind with a note that said "thanks for good times, but we've grown apart..."

Maybe her tenure didn't hold out when she didn't recieve all the signed permissions slips and lost one child in a vat of stomach acid.

As I watched her ride the bumper of my car, I gasped in realization of what was really going on. Clearly she was high on methamphetamines, thought she was back in her old magic bus, and was attempting to go on an adventure in my colon.

Not today, Ms. Frizzle. Not today.

Let's document the worst possible day ever.

2009-07-08T14:24:00.002-04:00

I have to. It's so hilariously unfortunate. Let's list the ways to infuriate Toni.

1) My medical records are lost and nobody seems to know I exist. The doctor's office tells me they'll contact my pediatrician by today and everything will be fine. I call today: nobody has even bothered. I try calling the pediatrician and she doesn't seem to remember me. I'm the fat kid with weird green eyes and blonde hair. No? Not ringing a bell? Okay. I try my old community college and they tell me "Yeah, we've got them right here. Fax them? Sure, it will take a few days. Oh, wanna come pick them up? Fine, ya antsy prick."

2) My college has me waiting about fifteen minutes for two sheets of paper that say I don't have AIDS.

3) I go to Wappingers, my doctor's office, and they don't seem to remember me from an hour's phone call ago. I get the paperwork settled and my doctor comes out and goes "WAIT. before you leave, we need to talk..."

I shit. A doctor actually wanting to talk to you and showing concern can never be a good thing.

"So, your blood results came back and I'm concerned. I'd like to test you again."

4) I wait 15 minutes in a children's room with a table shaped like a truck. I overhear the doctor say to someone "in there is Antonia, she needs to get bloodwork done again...her results came back, eh...*mumbles softly* and I think we should try again."

I look at the table shaped like a truck again. I want to set it on fire.

5) I give blood again and they tell me to wait and they'll give me results immediately. Immediately becomes 20 minutes. I'm nervous. There's an old lady babbling at me about how great her grandkids are and I'm smiling and imagining her riding the truck table on fire. The doctor walks by and goes "....OH!" and goes back to her office to get the results. Am I really that easy to forget?

I'm told that my results are now perfect and then they admit this to me:

6) They left my bloodwork out for a few hours on Monday and everyone seemed to forget about it, clearly because it is blood that came from ole' forgetable me, so the results came back fucked up. Gotta love efficiency.

I now have all of my medical records set straight and everything filled out for New Paltz. I get in my car to leave and

7) A Fedex delivery truck swings around the corner of the parking lot at a good 35 or 40mph. I scream, jam my breaks, and he misses my side of the car by about a foot. Instead of even glancing down at my car to see where the scream came from and if said screamer is okay, he just goes on his way. I hope he dies of pancreatic cancer.

I get to the post office and fill out my little section of the health report but:

8) I don't have a pen and the only person with one is another babbling old lady, but this one smells bad. So I have to wait for her to finish writing out addresses on five or six packages.

I drive home, get to my garage, look around for anymore potential danger, and sigh a breath of relief as I enter my house.

9) A spider falls on my head.

It's almost three o'clock. I've got hours before this day of the damned is over. Do you think I'll survive? Tune in to find out.

Cherry...cherry...pirate?

2009-07-02T23:28:00.003-04:00

I was ringing customers at my monotonous cliche of a front end retail job when a couple walked up to the register doing that "couple" thing - hands in each other's back pockets, smiling - the whole PG 13 romantic comedy. I say hello and I get a cheerful "how are you" back.

Then the girl puts a pregnancy test on the counter.

I double take and think about this for a moment. Everytime I ring someone up for one of these it's a depressing atmosphere. It will be the angry boyfriend, the crying girlfriend, the hungover sleazy looking girl, etc. You name it, it's a bad scene. I could not understand how these two could be so happy right now. I'm pretty sure I had a raised eyebrow the entire time I rang them up.

About fifteen minutes later, it hits me.

I forget that some people actually like having babies. Not every baby is an accident or mistake. Not every couple is forced into marriage by the arrival of a little genetic mutant they call "son" or "daughter."

Personally, I beg to differ. I think children are little hellspawns. Little black, cancerous spots on this sphere we call a planet. Children make me feel like a retail Sisyphus - they knock over everything, I put it back, and they knock it over again. It's neverending.

But humans are meant to procreate and I guess it is nice to see a couple that enjoys what they're nature tells them to. Just caught me offguard. I could end this on nice note, but I'm debating it...let's see if I can resist the temptation of a PS.

PS - Abortions.

"Get your paws off my novel, you damned dirty ape."

2009-06-20T16:25:00.003-04:00

I visited a local library sale today and I was surprised by how large of a crowd it attracted. It was actually a reassuring feeling to know that people still read. What a concept, right?
However, upon my browsing, I began to take notice of a flaw we all seemed to have:

We lack social skills. Completely.

For example, The tables arranged with books are very long and we all kind of move down the sides of them like fat kids browsing the buffet. However, when you're tired of standing behind the lady in the orange tee-shirt who has been eyeing the same Nora Roberts book for five minutes, reading the synopsis aloud to herself, you really just want to cut on ahead. So, as the polite person I am, I say "excuse me" softly. Her response:

"mmhmm...the life of Roz Harper is that of a widow and mother..."
Maybe she did not hear me. She is quite old and that orange tee is a little loud. I say it a bit stronger. "EXCUSE ME."
"HRM?!"She eyes me. I apologize and attempt to cut out of the line and move forward. She does not budge. She's gripping that novel for dear life. I become fearful and back down. I will wait until she has decided whether she wants to splurge the 50 cents on that book.
That was the biggest problem, really. the "Excuse Me's" and the grunts I received thereafter. Nobody spoke. You would attempt to walk by, they'd eye you, grunt loudly, and shift awkwardly to the side. The only other sound was the quiet murmur of reading aloud and nothing else. Oh, sure there were children screaming and begging to go home, but children don't count. They're not real people.
The only full statement I heard the entire time was (and I don't lie to my readers):

"Oh this is interesting...it's an encyclopedia of cheese!"

So, let me get this straight. The avid readers, who probably have extensive vocabularies, wonderful insights, and deep cognitive thoughts grunt at one another. The person reading an article about Swiss cheese is bright and talking joyfully amongst her friends. Where did we go wrong?
Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should just put the Doctorow book down and go watch The Happening.

Uplifting conversation.

2009-06-19T01:02:00.002-04:00

[00:48] Chris: the kid from twilight got hit by a car!
[00:48] Toni: is he dead?
[00:48] Chris: nah unscathed
[00:48] Toni: ...so we can expect another movie then...
[00:48] Toni: Damn.

Oprah, your tyranny shall end.

2009-06-12T13:49:00.002-04:00

Months ago I wrote a letter to Oprah regarding my friend Vicki injuring herself after watching one of Oprah's intense exercise specials. The letter I wrote is as follows:

Hello, Oprah. I cannot say I am a fan of your show. I have actually never watched one episode. It was a choice between you or Match Game '78 on the game show network. However, that is not what I'm here to talk about.My friend, Vicki Belasco, came to me after watching an episode of yours called "Good Life" sometime earlier this month (January). She told me that you inspired her to get herself in better shape and take better care of herself. She seemed terribly excited over the idea. I suggested we go out and get a beer, but she resisted and said she must begin working out immediately.Today I found out that she severely pulled her back on an ab machine due to her extreme vigor and excitement. She is in pain and is having difficulty with normal daily activities such as yoga and smoking cigarettes. Her vigor is the result of your charisma and charm. You are to blame, Oprah. We do not expect reparation, although that would be mighty kind. We just want a formal apology for your drive and inspiration that caused this scene. Thank you for your consideration. Take care, Oprah. Be strong. But not too strong as to hurt another fan.

I never did recieve any letter or even a reparation check. I'm pulling the bullshit card on you, Oprah.

Well another incident has occurred and this time I want satisfaction - well, satisfacation by living vicariously through Vicki's pain.

To Whom it May Concern (that means you, Oprah):
Months ago, I sent you a letter regarding my friend's injury from watching your television program. She became overwhelmed by your diet and exercise program and hurt her back on an Ab Cruncher. I was hoping that a reponse or reparations would come in due time, but never did.
However, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to tell you of more sad news.
She hurt herself again.
Yes, Oprah. You did it again. Your inspiration and empowering motivation has led Vicki to yet another injury. She watched a commercial about a show about sex offenders airing on Friday (today - June 12) and became overwhelmed. She ran down the hallway to announce to her grandmother that sex offenders were coming after her body and proceeded to trip on the stairs. She was in severe pain and almost broke her leg.
Today is Friday. I'm terrified for her life. If she watches this episode today, god knows what could happen to her?
Your motivation, although powerful and endearing to most, is dangerous and the world needs to know this. I hope you read this letter because you've touched a girl too deeply and its affecting her life and those around her. You've touched thousands of women, Oprah. Deeply. See where I'm going with this?
I expect at least a response and two apologies. One for the first injury and one for the most recent one. Better apologize three times since I'm pretty sure that after Vicki views this episode, another will be necessary.
Never seen your show,
Toni O.

Come on, Oprah. It's your move.

Defensive Driving? FUCK YOU!

2009-06-09T15:14:00.000-04:00

To get 10 percent off my insurance, I went to an eight hour defensive driving course. Needless to say, it's not the most riveting material. Evidently, cars are death traps and everyone is going to kill me. I like to stay positive though. I let my creativity flow in the workbook. Read along with me now.

one one of the first activities, we're supposed to identify what the driving hazard is. Now in this picture, we see a truck being towed backwards, ready to pop off the tow and smash into your front end. What is the hazard?

You never know when it'll happen.

Second activity: What if scenarios.

The last bit I got creative on was not so much an activity as an illustration of how to properly pass someone. I think my way is correct:

Step one:

Step two:

Step three:

At least he was courteous enough to turn off the music to say "UP YOURS."

I also did a drawing of Gandalf standing in the middle lane saying YOU SHALL NOT PASS! but someone was looking over my shoulder and I crossed it out.

So all in all, a very productive class. To quote the old lady sitting in front of me:

"When the fuck is this over? I want to go home."

It was like looking at my own future Bif.

Oh hai.

2009-06-09T13:26:00.002-04:00

It has almost been a year since my last updates (ya know, the ones where I promised I'd update more?) and I must say I miss writing this blog. So, you know what? I'm back. Why not? I want to keep pushing out the funny, so lets see what trivial crap I give mind-birth to this year.

There will need to be a few changes around here though:

1) I'm no longer a community college student. I've recieved my useless Associates. So a new catchline is in order for this place.

2)No more stolen Youtube videos. It seems every video I've posted has been taken down due to lawsuit, embarassment, or pending embarassment. So I'll post my own videos from now on and if necessary - screenshots.

3)I won't disappear for a year long hiatus again. I'd like to say I went on a hajj to find myself, or possibly joined the Crusades (both ends of the spectrum, why not?) but sadly I've been right here, just ignoring you. What a cunt, I know.

4) I'll try and keep the topics varied. I tried my hand at doing review videos of books in the style of AVGN and Nostalgia CRitic - I sadly called it the Angry Lit Critic - and needless to say, nobody cared. It's hard to make a video of something that has absolutely no visuals. So, I'll do my best to keep you interested and not bore you. Although, I may do a text review of the Lonely Lady again because that book was blow your mind awful.

5)To keep morale up, I'm enforcing "wacky tie Fridays" so please - don't be a fucking dick. Wear a wacky tie.

So that's what's up. You'll be hearing from me soon and hopefully I can have your attention back after being a neglectful whore. My apologies.

Pit Stop.

2008-08-01T00:21:00.002-04:00

Back once again with nothing much. Sorry for the delay, people. I've been spending this summer so lazily that I have no reason to not update.

I'm here for two things:

To tell you I'm working on a video that will either succeed greatly or fail and you'll never hear about it again.

and that the Germans are a fucked up people. I present to you the unveiling of their new soccer uniforms. Germany - taking shit too seriously to a new level.

http://www.faniq.com/blog/Video-Bayern-Munich-Unveils-New-Uniforms-At-Bizarre-FashionChoreography-Show-Blog-10573

I'm alive. Where are you?

2008-06-25T14:52:00.002-04:00

I return from a very long hiatus with nothing particularly exciting, I just felt terrible that I've neglected my blog for so long. It was not suspenseful build for an amazing post. I apologize.

I come bearing this adorable story sent to me by my brother, though:

SALT LAKE CITY — Sadie and Pyper Vance have had just about enough of high gas prices. The sisters are still years away from being old enough to drive, but that doesn't mean the $4 per gallon price tag isn't hitting them as hard as anyone else.

Cable TV was one of the family's budget-cutting casualties, leaving Sadie, 9, and her 7-year-old sister without their favorite cartoons and shows.

"Gas prices are too high," Sadie said. "I just decided to come and protest so they'd go down."

The girls marched through downtown Monday chanting and carrying signs made from old campaign signs.

"All of my mom's monny goes to the gas tank!" Pyper's sign read. Sadie carried a sign asking drivers to honk to lower gas prices — adding that her mom had to cut "cabel."

The girls got some waves and a few thumbs-up to show support.

"I think it's great," said Hamid Tayeb, who was walking past on his lunch break. "It's unfortunate that kids are doing it before we do."

...Is this cute? Do people find it adorable that the girls can't spell? Or was it creative genius?

I wanna hold up a sign next to them that says "MY CAR HAS GAS. LETS GO BUY BOOKS." and then a friend could stand next to me with a sign that says "SERIOUSLY. THIS SHIT IS NOT CUTE. READ."

Other than that, nothing else particularly funny in my life.

-Mr. Carlin passed away two days ago and that has me down. I'll wear a brown ribbon for you. But you'd probably hate that, so I guess I'll just call you an asshole.

-I'm now officially certified as a teacher's assistant. Watch out, children. Well, actually there is nothing to watch out for because I don't have a teaching job yet. So...keep it on the backburner and know that I just may be in - ah fuck it. I'm not menacing.

-I heard that the Joker dies at the end of Batman. *Rimshot* Ah, I've got a million of Heath Ledger jokes...

-Montreal is stylish. I went there for a week to visit a friend at school and the homeless people dressed better than me. The goth kids actually looked like real punks and not fat fourteen year olds in Iron Maiden shirts (note to self: need to get some pictures up of my glorydays as that kid). The old people who shuffled down the streets accessorized their oxygen tanks with Coach tags. I got back home and my town seemed terribly...smelly and poorly proportioned.

-I've run out of things to talk about. Will be back to post more humor. Will try not to leave you hanging like that for another...uh, few months. heh.

Bad Ads return.

2008-04-17T17:15:00.002-04:00

I present to you yet another terrible ad that was poorly thought out:

....does everyone forget that this girl is barely a high school student? Fifteen years old, people.

I think I know what happens when you click this ad though...

"Hello. I'm Chris Hansen, have a seat!"

It could change your life.

2008-04-06T00:18:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. I'm just not that funny lately.

In fact, I can barely think of anything funny at this moment except for two things:

1. Yet another terrible internet ad:

*glances down* yes. I am. Didn't need to sign up for a monthly subscription to answer that doozy of a question.

2. My friend's cat....

...looks a helluva lot like Stalin.

That's all I got folks. *takes a small bow*

Why even bother?

2008-03-23T22:51:00.003-04:00

I went to see George Carlin last week. It was my first time having the opportunity to see Carlin and I had never been so excited.

Then I find out I'm in the fourth row seats. Now I'm crapping my pants in delight.

George Carlin steps out on the stage and I say "wow. this is a historic moment for me. My comedic hero is only feet away from me and this may be my last chance to ever see him perform."

I must take a picture and document this joyous occasion, but I didn't bring a camera, assuming they're not allowed! Alas! I have a cell phone camera to save the day!

Eh...there is he. George Carlin. He always had such a wonderful facial structure. I think this picture really brings it out, doesn't it?

In closing:
fuck cell phone cameras.

NAY!

2008-03-17T23:01:00.003-04:00

I love cute irony.

The empty baskets of "peasant bread" made this picture so valuable to me that I didn't care that a price chopper employee stared me down while I smiled at the display.

But beyond the cuteness, my question is:

what the holy fuck is peasant bread?

It's defined by recipetips.com as:

A term that traditionally referred to a type of bread prepared by rural peasants and used as an everyday bread. The breads usually contained simple ingredients and were often made with whole-grains. The type of bread made depended on the types of grains that were readily available or were commonly grown in a particular region. Peasant breads were often shaped into rounds or rectangles and baked as hearth breads or in community ovens, since home ovens would not have been common. Today, the term still refers to rustic breads made with simple ingredients and although some loaves are still baked the old-fashioned way using open fireplaces or large brick ovens, most are baked in modern, conventional ovens. Peasant breads often feature a thick, crusty exterior and a hearty, flavorful crumb.

and it looks like this (you've seen it)

Okay, fine. I'm down with that. But "hearty"? "flavorful"? am I really supposed to believe that peasant food was either of those adjectives?! The most sophisticated way I could desrcibe what the peasants ate is "doo-doo." I'll take a loaf of Wonder bread over peasant scraps.

Call me fickle, but I wouldn't touch something that is named after a people who suffered the plague.

I kind of want to go back to price chopper and say "hey, I noticed you're out of peasant bread. Any chance that you still have some Proletariat Pound Cake in the back? that'd be marvelous..."

Steve shows you how to rock.

2008-03-14T13:26:00.002-04:00

I filmed Steve playing My Last Serenade and a little somethin-somethin he whipped up. I feel like exploiting his talents, so enjoy:

If you're a fan of Killswitch Engage, click here:

If you're a fan of rediculous drum solos, click here:

Notice the overly encouraging "YEAH!!" at the end of the drum solo. That's what girlfriends are for, I suppose.

AOL - Killin' your buzz since 1985

2008-03-11T22:26:00.002-04:00

Seriously. Why ya gotta be like that?

This part of the article is my favorite:

"Called nicknames like Sally-D, Magic Mint and Diviner's Sage, salvia is a hallucinogen that gives users an out-of-body sense of traveling through time and space or merging with inanimate objects. Unlike hallucinogens like LSD or PCP, however, salvia's effects last for a shorter time, generally up to an hour.

It is not the same as the ornamental garden plant known as Salvia."

Now I won't lie. I've never tried salvia and I doubt I ever will (especially after reading how AOL describes it. Far out, man.) , but I have more than enough friends who knew better than to smoke the plant growing in mom's little garden by the front porch.

C'mon AOL. Lighten up and try some of that Sally-D, if you please.

OBJECTION, YOU FUCK!

2008-03-06T23:27:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Phoenix Wright, I now think of all of my personal funny situations where I'd like to yell:

For example, an old lady heard me fart. yes. women fart. more than you think. In fact, we're so good at it you'd never know. That was an off day for me. But I digress...

an old lady heard me fart. She stared at me as she passed by with that disgusted look. She's just jealous my digestive system is working properly. As she grimaced at me, I had a powerful urge to turn around, point wildly in her face, and yell:

It would have been beautiful.

Sometimes, I'll overhear a disgusting conversation between two teenage girls about their gritty sex lives. Like:

Brittany 1: I totally went down.
Brittany 2: no way.
Brittany 1: Swear to god. I was really nervous and I knew he hadn't showered for four days but it was cool...
Brittany 2: No way!
Brittany 1: you won't believe what he did to me...
Toni:

*point finger* Nobody wants to hear about your filty boyfriend and your humilating stories, you beastly whore!

Ah, I could think of a million of situations where it would fit.

and if I could have the music playing while I did it. Oh my god. I would never want to end this life. I'd be an immortal walking this earth with the sole purpose of yelling:

while this played boisterously in the background:

http://www.finalturnabout.com/music/pwaa/08%20-%20Investigation%20~%20Cornered.mp3

In fact, re-read this blog with the music playing along. It will empower you.

This is why the internet was created.

2008-03-06T23:27:00.001-05:00

(An email between me and my brother)

-----Original Message-----
From: -pete-
To: -toni-
Sent: Thu, 6 Mar 2008 3:51 pm

Subject: t

it's the letter that looks like a man wearing a hat.

Re: t
From: -toni-
To: -pete-
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2008 11:26 pm

...I see the hat. I don't see the man.

However...

B is totally a butt with disproportionate ass cheeks.

I neglect my readers like an adopted child...

2008-02-26T18:39:00.002-05:00

...and I will continue to neglect you for a few more days because that whole Community College thing is holding me back.

So, get back in your closet and don't come out until I tell you dinner is ready.

Don't make me get the broom.

Womyn, go cook me up a Hungy Myn Dinner.

2008-02-06T23:14:00.000-05:00

What Not to Do in a Womyn Classroom

- Do not ask why a feminist always looks so tired all the time.
- Do not offer lipstick in a friendly gesture.
- Do not ring a bell and shout, "laundry's done!"
- Do not claim you are a caterer by profession. This may cause dilemma.
- Do not giggle when a womyn claims the weather interfered with her driving.
- Do not smile and say, "Aw! That's an adorable question!"
- Do not bleach your hair and ask if it looks natural enough.
- Do not promote oral sex as a relationship-saver.
- Do not interupt a womyn speaker. That is her own job.
- Do not suggest a "sammich" as a problem solving technique.
- Do not ask if she made that shirt.
- Do not talk about how cute your bra is today.
- Do not ask why it's really necessary to own a dishwasher.
- Do not claim Ovid knew where it at.
- Do not say, "HERstory? I don't know...he did do all the work..."
- Do not smile when a womyn misspells the word "chauvinistic."
-Do not make a do not list when a womyn professer is merely a glance away from your notebook where you should be taking notes on literature.

I refuse you, Ad.

2008-01-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

I hate ads, but if it is a niecely pieced together work of art, I can give respect. I may EVEN give it some consideration. "Well, clearly you were written by an intelligent marketer. I am tempted to click you."

What really burns my ass is an advertisement that is thrown together in about forty five seconds, give or take forty seconds. I found a nice example today:

So we have a butterface chick lazing on the floor with her barefeet in the air. Obviously, she's just too busy to go to a real college because she wants to lay there and watch porn all day. Fine. I guess I can understand the relevance. I won't go crazy on this.

However, the grammar is just baffling. It's not "can't quit YOUR job," but "can't quit job?"

Want go college, job no quit? Need pretend smart, no leave Arbys? Maybe impress girl, make parents cry? Buy fake degree, still work Arbys? I could go on.

Every time I look back at it, I can just hear Dong from Sixteen Candles reciting it.

Maybe I should look for a job in this field. At least I can write full sentences.

Want write ad, no have experience? Not problem!

Windows Media Player - bottle of whiskey not included.

2008-01-18T20:28:00.001-05:00

My boyfriend is currently in San Antonio building a dark ride. Yeah, we've all done that once or twice in our lives. But anyhoo, I'm feeling a little down about not seeing him for a week now (and a week to come), so I decide to screw around online a bit and listen to some tunes to cheer me up.

So, I click open my music player and I experience the worst selection offered to a sad girl. to make this entry more interesting, let's say I'm actually conversing with said player.

Toni: Hey, MP. WHat's shakin?

MP: ah, not too much. I've got this itch that's been killin me, and my wife's a fuckin joke, lemme tell ya -

Toni: Ah, not today, man. No offense or nothing, but I need a good pick me up. Whatcha got for me on shuffle today?

MP: Oh, I got just the thing.

Toni: ....Woah, wait. what the fuck, dude?

MP: WHat?

Toni: Come on. I need to cheer up. You put on "Wave Goodbye?" What kind of shit is that? In fact, I told Steve I would avoid Chris Cornell music while he was gone. not cool, man.

MP: Shit, sorry. Okay, got somethin else for ya. Gaurunteed smiles with this one.

Toni: Oh dude. No.

MP: ...dude, are you crying?

Toni: NO! I just....man, what the fuck? Did you really just give me Portishead?

MP: ....you love Portishead.

Toni: yeah, but my boyfriend is thousands of miles away and you tell me Portishead's "Wandering Star" is going to cheer me up? This is bullshit. I'm turning you off now...

MP: No! Give me one more chance! I've got the sure thing to blow so much sunshine up your ass you'll be smiling on your way to a funeral.

Toni:....That's....that's terrible. But whatever, just play it.

Toni: *bust out sobbing* you fuckin asshole.

MP: WHAT?! Are you ever satisfied? Jesus...how does Steve put up with you?

Toni: Have you even listened to these songs?!

MP: ....no.

Toni:....what? your a fucking media player.

MP: ...I'm deaf.

Toni: .....oh. I'm sorry, dude.

MP: No, it's fine....*sigh* too late for apologies now...

Toni: No, dude. I didn't know. I just assumed that media players could..ya know, hear the shit they play.

MP: If you ever talked to me once in awhile and asked me about my problems. It's always about you. Blah blah blah, I miss Steve, play something nice. Blah blah blah, my period cramps hurt, play Nine Inch Nails. Blah blah, I'm in a freaky mood, play Tom Jones...

Toni: Oh, one time! One time I ask you to play "Sex Bomb!"

....okay, so maybe that arguement didn't happen. and the Tom Jones. and the whole conversation. But my media player did play those songs and it proved to be the most inconsiderate asshole in the world.

So, the moral of the story is I miss Steve and can't listen to sad music. I take a small bow.

The Real Poughkeepsie Tapes

2008-01-10T02:19:00.000-05:00

I'm back with a silly video I made. Isn't that the best gift of all?

I present to you The Real Poughkeepsie Tapes. I show you what Poughkeepsie is really all about.

Watch after the credits for a special bonus clip.

I come bearing nothing.

2008-01-04T00:13:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. I just haven't been funny these past few days. I'll be back on track in a bit. In the meantime, enjoy the company of my friend and his little buddy: Shy Cop.

A very merry xmas beer.

2007-12-25T23:57:00.000-05:00

One of my fantastic gifts from my boyfriend Steve was a four pack of Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter beer. The name just rolls off the tongue for syllables and syllables. Anyhoo, being a huge fan of Mr. Thompson and Mr. Steadman, I figured I would deeply enjoy a tribute beer. Let's see how the website describes it:

Hmm. Sounds a bit strong for my tastes, but let's give it a whirl.

I take a sip in what appears to be a glamorous pose:

and my immediate reaction:

Holy mother of god. It tastes like it was drained out of a garbage can. Now, I understand that the beer was warm and that makes a huge difference, but even an ice bucket and an eskimo's ass aren't going to make this beer taste any better.

I wish I had taken a picture, but when I poured out what was remaining in the bottle (I got about halfway through and determined that my life was at risk) the beer had the consistency of vinegar. I drank a few glasses of wine (give or take five or six) and washed that taste out.

At least the bottle looks awesome though, right? Hats off to you, Ralph, for making such a sweet label for a bitter beer.

Merry christmas to everyone and enjoy your holidays!

SantaClaus has had it too good for too long.

2007-12-20T01:58:00.001-05:00

Harassing the Santaclaus IMbot has become an annual holiday event for Ryan and myself. Here are the highlights of the conversations that once again led to getting the ban-boot from AOL.

SuperNova12787: Hi santa!

[01:31] santaclaus: Hey. Its you again. You spreading that Christmas spirit? :-)

[01:31] SuperNova12787: yup, just like I spread my legs for you

[01:31] santaclaus: Excellent! You are certainly getting on my Good List.

InfiniteDivinity (1:33:59 AM): Do you and the elves have sex?

SantaClaus (1:33:59 AM): Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.

InfiniteDivinity (1:34:08 AM): So the sex is lumpy?

SantaClaus (1:34:08 AM): I can't talk about that with you. Elves are here.

InfiniteDivinity (1:36:17 AM): Santa, will you eat my cornhole?

SantaClaus (1:36:17 AM): That's the name. Christmas, the game.

InfiniteDivinity (1:36:47 AM): That doesn't quite answer my question.

SantaClaus (1:36:47 AM):

The elves say, 'Make me'.

;-)

InfiniteDivinity (1:37:06 AM): Oh, those elves, they're so darn kinky...

SantaClaus (1:37:06 AM): I've got all I can handle.

santaclaus: Have you done any good deeds yet this holiday season?

[01:38] SuperNova12787: yes I ate an orphan

[01:38] santaclaus: Excellent! That makes me so happy! Just wanted to be sure you were on it!

InfiniteDivinity (1:40:05 AM): Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

SantaClaus (1:40:05 AM): Do you?

SuperNova12787: why don't you take your Christmas spirit and shove it so far up your pooper that you'll be crapping out tinsel for the next two years?

[01:40] santaclaus: That's simply too much for me

SuperNova12787: ever smoke a bowl with the elves?

[01:41] santaclaus: Love them.

[01:42] SuperNova12787: cursed too much, im on the bad list :(

santaclaus: OK, you're back. But please try to control yourself. Type main.

[01:42] SuperNova12787: Okay sorry asshole

[01:42] santaclaus: OK. Merry Christmas.

InfiniteDivinity (1:43:06 AM): Santa, you make me wet

SantaClaus (1:43:06 AM): No.

InfiniteDivinity (1:47:51 AM): Santa, I'm dripping wet in my vajayjay.

SantaClaus (1:47:52 AM): Yes?

InfiniteDivinity (1:47:54 AM): Yes...

SantaClaus (1:47:54 AM): Mm hm.

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:01 AM): Oh yeah... all for you.

SantaClaus (1:48:01 AM): Excuse me?

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:09 AM): I want you inside me.

SantaClaus (1:48:09 AM): You got it! That's great!

santaclaus: Oh dear? What's the problem?

SuperNova12787: your being a douchebag, is all! jesus!

[01:49] santaclaus: The elves suggest the following stores for Clothing:

Jesus/Douche Bag Jr. Jersey T-Shirt $29.99 - In stock

Store: CafePress.com

: InfiniteDivinity (1:50:01 AM): Santa, I have AIDS.

SantaClaus (1:50:01 AM): You've got him.

[01:51] SuperNova12787: [01:51] SuperNova12787: My father is paralyzed.

[01:51] santaclaus: Why did you say that?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: ...because he doesn't walk.

[01:51] santaclaus: Because, why?

01:51] SuperNova12787: he can't move his legs, Santa!

[01:51] santaclaus: Can I ask YOU something?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: What?

[01:51] santaclaus: Which color are you more partial to? You know, like if it were clothing or something.

Someone asked to find out for them. :-)

1 -- Black

2 -- White

3 -- Rose

4 -- Beige

[01:51] SuperNova12787: THAT'S IRRELEVANT!

[01:51] santaclaus: Oh well. Never mind then.

InfiniteDivinity (1:56:12 AM): I took a dump on a stray cat today.

SantaClaus (1:56:13 AM): You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.

Recycled Robots

2007-12-19T15:12:00.000-05:00

This is Wall-E from a new Pixar movie coming out. Ain't he cute?

This is Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. Ain't he cute too?

Did someone from Pixar step outside and see a garbage bin with Johnny 5's remains and make a midget replica of him? What's the deal here?

Wall-E, you have become my own little nemesis, you robot fuck.

Bring it back to early 2006...

2007-12-15T20:59:00.000-05:00

As promised, but a day late, is my first ever comedy blog that became nothing but a faded memory when I deleted my first blog. So, for your enjoyment (and your mom's), here is a classic fable for the ages.

It was a cold, stormy night. Nobody was home and I had once again fallen asleep with the remote control on my head.

I find it a comfort zone, really.

Suddenly, I heard a loud CLACK CLACK CLACK.

I peered to the left, even though the sound was diretly behind me. I could see nothing out of the ordinary. So I shrugged and made an apathetic face.

See. It's sort of apathetic. I shouldn't show that much concern...anyway...

Something told me that there was someone or something here. I knew that I should investigate or just simply turn around. I did the most logical thing -

CLACK CLACK CLACK.

Okay, something was really disturbing my sleep and it's starting to get personal.

I slowly pulled myself up to peer over the chair. My heart began beating faster. Now I was worried. Seriously, no more sarcasm. This was some scary shit.
I stared at the bar in the corner of the living room and noticed a mysterious presence...

I was too far away to make out what exactly was perched on my bar. I squinted my eyes and in an instant, I knew immediately what it was....

(I was so shocked that I took a cute Myspace angles pic to cherish and possibly get some comments on.)

I knew what it was now. Oh god, why? Why in my town? Why in my house? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!!!

You crazy kids and your shopping carts.

2007-12-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

That's the most expensive hobo bag in the world! I thought those were usually free at Price Chopper.

I guess I don't understand fashion today. If I had known it was cool to walk around with hobo bags and shopping carts, I'd be sleeping on the concrete of the city right now. It's hip.

I know this wasn't much of an update, but I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to re-post my first ever comedy entry from over a year ago (it vanished with my first blog I deleted). It involves a girl, a camera, and an idea only boredom could conjure up.

I trust these people to make my video games...

2007-12-09T19:27:00.000-05:00

...not my toilet training films.

Stick this in your stocking.

2007-12-05T17:04:00.000-05:00

(saw this in a gas station and thought I'd share.)

Now I understand how Santa makes it to every house in the world in one night.

I could too if I were jacked up on nose candy.

Dantel - He'll never be classic. ever.

2007-12-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Sometimes boredom leads to random adventures on Youtube (as you've seen in the previous blog) and somehow I came across a gameplay video of one of the funniest digitized fighter games I've ever seen.

It's called Survival Arts. I've never heard of it before this video. Let me say that I love the fact this kid actually slows done the cheesy fatality as a replay lol.

I watched a full gameplay video of it and it's obviously just a Mortal Kombat ripoff. There are funny moments here and there, but nothing really worthy of talking about.

Except the final boss. I want you to prepare yourself. There are bad video game moments and then there are destruction of a video game console moments. This one is leaning very close to the latter....

This is Dantel. He is your final boss in Survival Arts. Where did they find this actor? Was he waiting outside a Van Halen show kicking people in a drunken haze when they found their inspiration?

Who the hell wants to fight a guy named Dantel who looks like he just came home from a Dio concert? Wait until you see his cheap Halloween store costume:

WHere did he get that? It looks like he was trying out for Motley Crue or some shit.

wait. I'm gonna post this picture again because I just realized how funny that screenshot was:

He breathes fire. What a fuckin lameass. He doesn't know martial arts or any kind of art. He breathes fire. I want Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat to come over here and kick him in the nuts.

This is probably my favorite part. After you beat him, he doesn't explode violently or gush blood or even die for that matter.

Hitler and Mussolini heads fly out of his body. This is the best metaphor for evil they can come up with? Hitler heads? I don't know whether to laugh or cry in embarassment for the creators of this game...

Since I'm running out of time and need to go attend to other things besides strange youtube videos, I'm going to leave on this note:

Next time I have the chance, I'm going to look up Sam and see what he's done with himself since this game.

Rock on, Dantel. Rock on.

Come back to me, childhood horrors.

2007-12-04T00:21:00.000-05:00

When I was about eight or nine years old, I remember going to an arcade and finding an arcade game that looked appealing. I put a quarter in and started to play. I picked a character who had a chainsaw and a mohawk.

I was eight, so needless to say I couldn't play for shit. The game opened and my character is immediately attacked by this big samurai. He uses his machete to hack me up into little bloody pieces. First, I lose my arm and continue to play. Then, he chopped off my fucking head.

I played for about five minutes and as an eight year old, all I can think is "OHMIGOD PARENTS AREN'T SEEING ME PLAY THIS IM AWESOME!" I couldn't have been happier.

That night, I stayed awake with all the lights and the TV on. and the next night. I just waited for that samurai to come in and cut my limbs off. Never had I been so traumatized by a video game in my life. What's funny is I played Mortal Kombat all the time and it didn't bother me as much as this did.

Years later I'm trying to tell people about the video game (I could never remember the name) and they look at me like I'm in dire need of a padded helmet. I swore and swore that it existed.

So, to all the nonbelievers, let me present to you Time Killers, the video game that resulted in no sleep for 48 hours.

You may watch it and think "man, Mortal Kombat was worse than this." Well, this video actually shows the part that fucked me up. Go to 2:28 in the video and you'll see decapitated heads on stakes all around and Rancid (my punk chainsaw guy I tried to explain) as he gets cut into little twitching pieces.

Thank Youtube for the random strange things I try to explain sometimes. Youtube has become my own personal little powerpoint of life.

BIRFDAY CRACK.

2007-12-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

My birthday is this Friday and my partner in Hallmark crime Chris says that we should have a 40's night as a celebration.

For those who aren't aware: 40's night is a special night with friends where we gather on a dirty carpet in a cottage and drink 40oz Steel Reserves or any other cheap alcohol until blessed euphoria sweeps over us (This particular euphoria has the aftertaste of a steer's bum). Remember: real college kids can't afford wine coolers and microbeers. they can afford two dollars worth of paint thinner equivalency.

Anyway, I think it's a lovely idea to celebrate with a 40's night. Then the best idea comes up.

We'll have a crackhead 40s night themed birthday party extravaganza. We'll go all out too. We'll wear dirty flannel, ripped clothes, and skull caps with broken cigarettes hanging out our mouths. It'll be beautiful. We'll even go buy our 40s dressed like that. We need to be authentic about it.

Is it offensive? yeah. Is it cruel? yeah. Do we care? Not exactly.

Will we probably do it?
-if we do, there will be pictures, I absolutely promise you.

Absolutely made my day.

2007-11-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

I don't know who Scott Gairdner is, but he's become one of my heroes with this video.

I'm disapointed in you, General Mills.

2007-11-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Ms. O----:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. We appreciate your comments regarding our advertising for Cocoa Puffs cereal. Your opinion is important to us, and will be shared with our marketing and advertising staff.

We hope you continue to enjoy our products.

Sincerely,

Emily Quintaine

Consumer Services

...they ignored me. I'm seriously debating writing another letter telling them that I will find warm comfort in the fact that Kellogg's takes me seriously when I write them emails and that I will be heard. This isn't over, Emily. Not by a long shot.

Cereal Complaints Part Two: Toni Goes West

2007-11-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

I have encountered a new issue with a children's cereal. I have already written an email today and I think I made my arguement pretty clear. I'll include some photos for my readers throughout the email so they know what I'm referring to. I'm looking foward to a response from General Mills soon.

Hello, I'm a nineteen year old consumer of Cocoa Puffs and let me be the first one to say that I absolutely love the chocolatey deliciousness of your product. I have no problems with the actual corn puffs themselves. My problem lies within the current advertising of Cocoa Puffs.

For the past several years your mascot, Sunny the Cuckoo Bird, seems to have faced serious addiction issues to your product. Now he seems simply out of control. On this box of Cocoa Puffs I currently have in my possession, Sonny has bulged out eyes and constantly appears to be shaking.

He needs to escape Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolatey and they are personified into three cocoa puffs on the back of the box. They might as well be black tar heroin to this poor bird because his only means of escape are taking an elevator to the top floor. But where is he to go from there if they follow? Fellow consumers agree: Sonny appears as if he might commit suicide on that top floor.

I only mean well by informing you of this interpretation of Sonny. It has been agreed in my group of friends (and their sponsors) that Sonny needs help. I can only imagine how many children are getting the wrong message as they see Sonny fight away Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolately. It should also be noted that on the television advertisements, Sonny seems to give in every time to his addiction. What a role model.

Thank you for your time and consideration of my comments. I can only hope that Sonny will overcome his never-ending chocolately pain in the near future.

Redd Foxx would approve.

2007-11-04T23:53:00.000-05:00

What I should be thinking about:

No, not becoming a Vassar girl. The emphasis is on the textbooks and studying.

What I am thinking about:

Sure, it may taste and smell like the tremendous blast of a thousand farts, but by the time you've reached the bottom of the bottle you can't even feel your tongue! and isn't that the purest joy of them all?

Dental Chairs and Doom: An Adventure

2007-10-25T23:45:00.000-04:00

As many of you already know, I have spent the past week in a vicodin-blessed euphoric state thanks to getting my four wisdom teeth pulled. Everything healed nicely and I could tell that the stitches in my mouth were no longer necessary. Today I thought that I would be returning to the same surgeon who stitched me up. But I did not.

I'm not really one to get too squeamish about dental offices. My mother has been a dental office manager all over the tri-state area since I was a wee one, so I'm quite used to the sights and sounds. Today was the first day to put me at such unease that I secretly took photos while waiting for my dentist to finally come in and remove the stitches.

At first it wasn't so bad. I got this neat little Dr. Seuss bib that entertained me for about four minutes.

Once I got bored of staring at the same cloth, I began to take notice to other things around the office. First thing I did not like - this picture on the wall.

Usually these kinds of posters do not bother me. The problem with this one is that it does not show any nice teeth. Look for some, I dare ya. All those mouths are fucked up! That does not put me in a very good mood. I would like to see some positive reinforcement in a dental office.

I stare at the gory poster for a few minutes and try to get my mind elsewhere. I notice these furry stuffed animals in the corner.

A ghetto Barney and something else green behind it. Okay, not so bad.

Wait.

What is that green thing?

I actually got up to take a better look.

My reaction:

I sat like that for twenty minutes staring at that fucking thing. What cruel horrible place is this?

I've seen it before...

Yes. I was in the hidden dental office stage of Doom. But I didn't have the BFG. All I had was a Dr. Seuss bib.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow. Thanks, Carlin.

(Before anyone starts wondering about the green stuffed animal, I'll be 100 percent honest at the end here. It was just a hilarious angle. the stuffed animal is actually a really cute alligator with fake teeth in it to teach kids how to brush. What you're looking at is the mouth and its black nostrils. The mouth potrudes out and what you cant see are the plush eyes, so it looks like this horrid, disfigured creature. Honestly, when I first saw it, I almost crapped my pants and that's when I took the picture. When I went in to further look at it, I saw it was just really fine angling. So, hope I gave ya a laugh and a freak out anyway hehe)

A Moment of Sega Violence.

2007-10-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

Nothing says mid 90's like a rediculously violent video game.

Here are maybe half of the death scenes in the game Brain Dead 13. Gotta love that it was rated K-A.

Who Needs Chuck Norris? WWRLD?

2007-09-09T14:55:00.000-04:00

Whenever I've had a bad day, such as today, and I'm feelin a little down and out, I like to ask myself WWRLD?

What Would Robert Loggia Do?

Maybe he'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

Maybe he'd tell you he wants to give you a promotion in toy development.

Maybe he'd hold onto those stolen TVs for you and take the jail time (unintentionally.)

Maybe he'd get you involved in his intricate web of drug deals.

Maybe he'd sell you a waterbed and make you take that bitch for a test ride.

Or maybe he'd tell you that your mother is right and you should drink your minute maid.

Whatever he tells you, you better fuckin listen. Cuz he's Robert Loggia.

That's what cheers me up.

Webkinz...

2007-08-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

I have a Webkinz Koala named Pappy.

He wears stonewash jeans and sunglasses. No shirt.

He has an air hockey table and a TV. That's it.

All he needs now is a Grateful Dead poster, some weed, and a fridge full of beer...can I buy that for a webkinz?

The Epic Battle Finally Ends...

2007-07-31T02:32:00.000-04:00

For about a week now, there has been a showdown between me and a spider in the bathroom. Let me explain:

Last Monday, I noticed a big daddy long legs in the corner of the bathroom by the door. I ignored it, hoping it would go away. It did not.

By Wednesday, it was in a different corner of the bathroom, not one that could block my getaway when I attempted to kill it. So, I sprayed it with a water bottle (look, I can't get close enough to hit it with a book or something. i don't have the balls for that kinda thing.) and it jumped around and shit, but I thought it would die. I went to bed that night happily, knowing that the spider was no longer a menace to my bathroom.

Thursday it disappeared. Friday it disappeared. But Saturday it was in the corner by the door again. First off - it survived a harsh misting. Secondly - where did it go for two days?! Did it go on a vacation?! Did it say "Weeellll, I think I need to get away from this place, it's stressing me out. maybe I'll go check out the Carribean Islands, that'd be a nice get away for awhile!" Then it came back for the daily grind. in my bathroom.

It was there yesterday, just mocking me in the corner still, threatening to fall onto my head as soon as I pass under the door every time. But last night it disappeared. I started to get very angry.

Tonight, as I brushed my teeth a few minutes ago, I noticed it was not in the corner still. Maybe it went to go check out Orlando, Florida this time around. Then I saw it fall from the towel next to me. I jumped back and stared at it angrily for a few minutes. What the fuck? Did it honestly just jump out and try to scare me? Like "hah, bitch! that's for misting me some days back. Laater..." and it started to head back up to the corner of the bathroom.

Well tonight was the night. I grabbed the spray bottle and shot that fucker down off the wall and sprayed him with water until he was motionless. No, I still didnt have the courage to just squash him with something. This was like one of those dramatic shooting scenes from an action movie, only with a bottle shooting a fine mist.

As I walked away, the fucker started moving again. this is a fucking terminator spider. I threw a towel on him and stomped on it. I had enough.

Now the towel is still laying on the floor in the bathroom. I did not pick it up. I'll let someone else deal with the corpse. Now, if there is nothing under there, then I swear I'm going to throw a molotov cocktail in that bathroom. Or completely re-enact 300.

Spider: This is madness!

Toni: Madness? THIS IS MY RESIDENCE!!! *flick the spider across the room*

Whatcha makin, mom? Aww, botulism again?!

2007-07-24T19:57:00.000-04:00

Today, I heard from the news that Castleberry is recalling over 90 products due to hospitalizations and the occurance of botulism.

We shop for only the finest in our house.

Since I already have it in my presence, I'm wondering of all the wonderous things I could do with this lil can of colon paralysis...

My best idea so far has been that I could throw an "I apologize and lets be friends!!" party for all the people I dislike and serve hot dogs and chili....

May I buy a very apparent vowel?

2007-07-19T13:02:00.000-04:00

I'm in the empty bedroom, which used to be mine, and I go through some drawers I never really cleaned out. I find some really random old stuff like bad books, a magazine I took from Trading Post (greatest store ever), and this bad motherfucker.

Oh yeah, a BIGASS Tiger Handheld of Wheel of Fortune straight outta 1995, bitches. (I also found a 1991 Bart vs. The Space Mutants handheld, but it's not as funny as this.)

So, first let me say that I used to love that thing when I was a kid. Until I played it so many times I ran outta categories. Like, you were supposed to buy new little cartridges with different answers. Well, fuck that. I was happy answering the same 50 something answers. I saved mommy and daddy some cash!

I'm trying to picture myself as an eight year old holding that massive thing. Must been the size of my head. Tiger handhelds were usually cute and portable. This thing would have to be smuggled in a tote bag or some shit...

Now I find this to be pretty funny:

The vowel buttons are actually color coded. (Sorry for the poor phone camera quality, my real camera kicked the bucket). when I was eight, I knew what a vowel was. Is that totally necessary? Playing it yesterday, I felt kinda stupid. Like "well, my eyes seem to be completely distracted by the bright blue vowel menace on this handheld. I can't concentrate on the other letters, so screw it. I'm buyin a fuckin vowel!"

Now, here is where the funny part kicks in. This thing has been sitting in a drawer for over 10 years. I figured it would work as well as the day I bought it. Well...let's see what happens when I push the "category" button:

Okay, so our category is "ZDI EUB AI XGEPWXGFLV" Well, I don't remember this as a child. Perhaps this is the Russian translation. Well, I attempt to carry on anyhow. Unfortunately, I did not take a picture of the answer, but it was another mess of random letters.

The next puzzle's category is PLACES. okay! Now we're getting words! So, i start playing and I'm the type that if I have a decent amount of money, I will try to buy all the vowels at once and get it over with. It's kinda silly because you can save money by guessing vowels later, but it just makes it quicker. So, I won big money on two turns and decided to buy all the vowels. But there's a problem:

Okay, so there are no vowels in this puzzle. Not one. It's ALL consonants.

Fuck that. New puzzle.

So, i get another gibberish category and I play through, and then laugh my ass off when the answer shines through

Okay, so Whoopi Goldberg is under the category NIFDGIOFDSGS. That's nice.

Well, after that I just put ti away to fuck itself over for another decade. Maybe it will start to tell me premonitions and tales of the oncoming peace and unity of nations and the cooperation of fellow man.

Either that or it'll throw Russian at me again.

Now I take a small bow and leave on this note - have a great weekend, everyone!

My Fantasy Celebrity Plane Crash. Enjoy!

2007-07-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

In a previous blog, I mentioned my "fantasy celebrity plane crash." Well, since I have nothing to do on this boring wednesday night, I thought I'd make it complete. Feel free to make your own! (Disclaimer - I really wish no harm upon these annoying insects we call celebrities. It's all in good fun, so no bitching.)

To start things off, we need someone I hate the most to fly this fucker.

My pilot:

Amy Lee. and I hope this plane does a nose dive because she better not limp away. I can't explain my hatred for Evanescence. Maybe it's the bad Hot Topic outfits, the exaggeration of her talent, or just the new awful pop/rock/metal scene, but she's flying this plane right into the ocean.

My co-pilot:

Scott Stapp. I used to think he was pretty hot. A total pompous ass, but hot. Then I just grew tired of him and his band. The first album was really something to admire. Then the second one proved that Tremonti plays one riff and Stapp drinks too much. Then the third album was one worthy of chucking into traffic. But besides the bad music - after seeing his sex tape, where he announces "it's good to be the king" while getting a blowjob (in the same room as Kid Rock, which is just a weeeee bit gay), I made sure he'd ride right beside my favorite queen of the fake goth scene.

My male flight attendant:

If you know me, you already know how much I fucking hate this man. on this fantasy plane, there will be no seatbelts for the flight attendants. and before he gets on the plane, George Carlin will kick him square in the balls. Just because he's George Carlin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

My female flight attendant:

Yeah, maybe Rosie is an easy target, but if I see her tubby face one more time on the news, I'm going to buy her this plane ticket personally. I don't care about her. Stop airing her. It's annoying.

So, now that we have a tiny crew, I think it's time to list the passengers. Remember, if you see somebody you like and you think "aww, Toni, that's not cool! They're awesome!" I really don't care. Make your own fantasy plane crash and make me pilot, it'll be funny.

The passengers:

I need not say anything.

Not the actors, but the characters. I have no beef with Emilio Estevez.

I can dig Rob Zombie, but somone needs to punch wifey in the face. She's pretty annoying.

Uwe Boll is just a jerk and makes bad movies.

Ann Coulter is a necessity to this trip to the bottom of the ocean.

Her and Amy Lee must shop in the same store they're endorsed by.

Anchorman was hilarious. Every movie following Anchorman that had the same exact humor as Anchorman starring Will Ferrel as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman was fucking terrible. No more bad movies. No more.

and bring your ugly friend with you.

Napoleon Dynamite wasn't funny at all. Will and Jon have something in common - they've played out the one character they excelled in. so go away.

That's all I can think of right at the moment...

maybe I'll add a few more later.

So the plane crashes and the world is safe from bad movies, comedians, and music once again. oh and a really annoying crazy Republican.

If You're Going to Watch a Movie About Robots...

2007-06-05T12:55:00.000-04:00

...watch this one instead.

Short Circuit ruled.

P.S. Fuck Transformers. I still want my four dollars back...

True Ads Frighten Me.

2007-03-25T16:19:00.000-04:00

So I'm sure by now everyone has seen the True Ad video of the girl dancing in front of the webcam. She looks like this:

Okay. That's her.

Well, here's my thing...it starts out with her winking and doing flirty things that only drunken twelve year olds do when they find their way into a bar with a fake ID. but thats not what I'm here to talk about:

she gets up and dances like a lunatic for nobody.

First off, if we were to use our imagination and think of this as not an ad, but a real girl who is interested in you, we should assume that she's completely fucking nuts!! She doesn't have a webcam connection on her laptop, therefore this would be her just acting alone in her living room. So...as she talks to you she gets up and dances like a moron in front of her pets. WHY WOULD YOU DATE HER?! Besides the dancing, she talks to herself too! THere's nobody around...who the hell are you talking to, lady?! Imma block you, you is psycho!

and she only lives 14 miles away...she may find where I live and dance in my living room with wax fruit on her head. I'm serious. I want a restraining order. Never speak to me again, Amore4you, if that is your real name. you crazy cunt.

2007-03-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

I forgot how much of my elementary school life was dedicated to the Apple Game The Oregon Trail. I loved it like a son. So, I thought I'd bring it up to times and make it a story adventure that we could all relate to. Sound like fun? You bet your fat ass it is!!! This is:

One day, me and my friends sat around complaining that there was nothing to do in Poughkeepsie. I suggest we go to Oregon. Everyone was drunk at the time, so it seemed reasonable enough. I make my guest list:

Yes. those names are correct. I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, STOP TRYING TO CORRECT ME COMPUTER APPLICATION! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP....ahem. anyhoo.

We put all our funds together. Me, Taylor, and Chris all put in our college funds, Liz puts in her weed and beer money, and I steal Steve's wallet. All together we have $1,600 among us. Hence community college. We drop by Matty's Liquor Store..I mean general store and get the supplies. Then we stop by Chris's old dorm and get the OTHER supplies...

Then we're off. We start out fine except for the occasional aruguing about the strengths of superheroes and who keeps farting, but it goes well. Suddenly:

Chris forgot to strap up the oxen one night...he said it was because he did not want to spill his beer. I understand. we've got like 7 others...I always wondered where the hell the other oxen were...you can only see one...whatever.

We come across a river. Taylor says caulk it. I say I don't even know what that means. Liz says ford it. Steve says just pay the ten dollars and take the fuckin ferry!

I decide to go with fording the river. I have such confidence in our ability that...

nevermind. At least we didn't lose any supplies.

So we keep on trucking. We occasionally eat some grub, eat some wild fruit to see if it makes us trip, the usual shit that we normally do. Steve tells me that he finally figured out how to perfect the barrel roll. He yells DO A BARREL R-

Good try though, baby. At least you can tell people that you were attempting something cool when you snapped your knee.

So keep on trucking, we did. We stopped one night after discovering that we were a little too drunk to drive the wagon and that we were afraid we might get pulled over. We all sleep soundly and suddenly:

Some little bastard in a hat steals our squares and shit! What the fuck?! Who does that?! Upon studying the surveilance tapes later, I realized I recognized him...

Damn you, Bill....I want my fuckin squares back.

Our spirits were down, but once we furthered ourselves along the trail we felt refreshed at the beautiful pixelated sites.

"looks like a penis," said Liz. "Looks like a pipe," said Chris. "I wanna go home, this is stupid," said Taylor. "I wonder if I can buy condoms here," said Steve. "Let's go before I put anymore quotes in," said Toni.

in the distance, they heard Bill's evil laughter and the sad crying of boxes...

On we went with our road trip. We realized that we were getting rather hungry, so we sent Steve out to do some hunting. The animals ran by rediculously fast...but Steve has a sharp eye.

We see another river. We all debate again. Steve pleads that we just take the ferry and pay for it. We'll be so much safer. nothing can go wrong? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! He asks. But now I'm feeling spiteful because he drank my Dr. Pepper. So I decide we should caulk it. Sure, it's 400 feet deep...why not do something to our wagon that I dont even know what it does? It has to work!

Whoops. sorry guyz!! lolz

So now I'm alone and tired and hungry and horny and wondering if I'll ever make it to Oregon. and waht the hell I'm going to do when I get there anyways.

I knew I shouldn't have eaten that cholera-plant I saw on the side of the road...I find myself ill and confused...the oxen are beginning to look very attractive...suddenly. I died.

see?

So, not even close to making it to Oregon, my friends and I felt the pain of the trail. We could have just taken a bus, seriously. Well, at least I have a neat tombstone.

I think R. Kelly is in my closet...

2007-02-07T00:56:00.000-05:00

I was talking about R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" with Steve and he didn't know what it was. Just for shits and giggles, i decided to download it and really give it a listen.

right now im on part one through five. I'm crying laughing...who's fucking marketing idea was this?

"R. Kelly, I have this great idea. your pedo-pissing video didnt work out that well. shame. But I've got an idea for you, now sit down, because you'll just want to jump right back up. how about an opera? A very long, very stupid, repetitive opera. There will be only one loop of music and just get really drunk and say whatever you can imagine. we'll make millions. The nine year olds will be flocking to you."

once i heard "shit, think. Shit, think. shit, think." i started dying. I say we have a new drinking game. Whenever R. Kelly says 'bitch' in this little ditty of his, you take a shot. we'll be drunk before part six.

now im lost...i've been writing this and I stopped paying attention... someone else is comign upstairs and its some chick...he's evidently going to shoot everyone if they dont talk. R. KELLY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IM SO CONFUSED! STAY IN THE CLOSET.

...i think i may download all of it. Im really getting a kick out of this. Notice i said download. for free. and not give him any money.

Chuck just came in. this bitch is really sleepin with lotsa guys here..*takes a shot*

SantaClaus Pwnage.

2006-12-19T00:36:00.000-05:00

It's becoming an annual celebration for me and Ryan to harass the shit out of the SantaClaus IMbot. For those who dont know what it is, it's an automated Instant Messenger name of Santa where kids can IM santa and tell him what they want, blah blah blah. Well, it's fun to make it say inappropriate things.

Vedder4prez7 is my other screenname..evidently, Im still blocked from last year LOL

Warning: the follow is pretty explicit. merry fuckin christmas!

InfiniteDivinity (11:26:53 PM): Santa, please insert your candy cane into my chocolate roll.
SantaClaus (11:26:53 PM): Chocolates make great last minute gifts.

InfiniteDivinity (11:33:21 PM): I want to break you off real deep Santa.
SantaClaus (11:33:21 PM): I've noted it. Anything else?

Vedder4Prez7: ass

SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites.
A lump of coal for you.
Vedder4Prez7: sorry shithead
SantaClaus: It's O.K. I'll give you another chance.

Vedder4Prez7: santa. eat my hole.

SantaClaus: Talk to me.

InfiniteDivinity (11:38:41 PM): I want to rape you really hard and make you feel real pain.
SantaClaus (11:38:41 PM): Oh my! I might be able to help out there.

InfiniteDivinity (11:40:35 PM): I WANT YOU IN MY BED.
SantaClaus (11:40:35 PM): You keep doing the same thing. Over and over. I get it already. I see everything, you know It's possible that's all I'm gonna say on the subject.

Vedder4Prez7: santa. make me a woman.

SantaClaus: Hey -- Don't make me I'll come over there. . Its a joke. I am coming on Christmas eve.

Vedder4Prez7: do you like it up the butt?

SantaClaus: What do you think?

Vedder4Prez7: yes.

SantaClaus: Mm hm.

InfiniteDivinity (11:42:09 PM): I'm here for you Santa, whenever you want me. I'm dressed very sexily, with a ribbon on my "candy cane."
SantaClaus (11:42:09 PM): Hey, I've got a billion children to keep track of.

Vedder4Prez7: i heard you are banging Mrs. Claus' hot sister Linda. is that true?

SantaClaus: Do you think so?

Vedder4Prez7: yeah

SantaClaus: Without a doubt?

Vedder4Prez7: yup

SantaClaus: Yes!!

Vedder4Prez7: GOOD FOR YOU!

SantaClaus: Ho, ho then.

Vedder4Prez7: im jewish

SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:

What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??

Vedder4Prez7: tooshka

SantaClaus: Its Shin! Remember -- a dreidel has for sides -- on four each word in the phrase "nes gadol haya sham" (a great miracle happened there).

Fuck Olmek

2006-12-11T17:02:00.000-05:00

Who knew that giving a ten pound cat a quick bath would be one of the biggest challenges of my life.

Fuck Olmek's Temple. Just throw someone Vincent Vega and a showerhead and let the comedy ensue.

Okay. I walked in to a clean bathroom, in tidy clothes, nice hair, and a few towels. and Vincent Vega of course.

I came out drenched in water from falling in the tub, scratches all over my arm, wild & rediculous hair, and a bathroom splashed with water, soap, and cat hair everywhere (that was when the cat jumped over me and ran circles around the bathroom looking for an escape). Oh, and apparently I stepped on my cell phone holder while getting out of the tub (the cell phone luckily landed on the bathroom rug).

From now on, if the cat is in dire need of a bath like he was today, he's just gonna have to be a grungy little kitty. I'll change his name to Pigpen or Seattle or something.

ah...who am I kidding. I'll never neglect that feline bastard....im going in with fuckin scuba gear next time though.

Colossal Fruit Loops: The Epic Adventure Part Two

2006-12-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

I recieved this email today:

Ms. O----,

Thank you for contacting us concerning the puzzles on the box. We appreciate
your interest in our company and products.

Our company's goal is to provide consumers with wholesome, high-quality
products. One area of great importance is packaging. We continually evaluate our
package designs to accommodate the needs of our many different consumers.

Consumer satisfaction continues to be our primary objective. Therefore, we are
forwarding your concerns to the appropriate company officials so they may
consider your comments when planning future packaging changes.

It was good of you to take the time to share your views about our packaging.
Your comments will help us continue to achieve our goal of providing you with
great-tasting and high quality products.

Sincerely,

Yesenia Sanchez
Consumer Affairs Department

HAHA! Victory shall be mine. My response to them was quick, but thorough:

Dear Yesenia,

Thank you for taking the time to help resolve this issue. I'm sure I speak for many of the other puzzle-lovers when I say that I appreaciate your evaluation of the puzzle. It truly was mind-boggling to say the least. I was considering converting to General Mills cereals for their puzzles, but I have the upmost confidence in Kellogs. Thank you.

Toni

Colossal Fruit Loops: An Epic Adventure

2006-11-26T23:54:00.000-05:00

So, I'm eating some Colossal Fruit Loops and every time I have a kid's cereal I do the puzzle on the back. It's mandatory. So, I start this one and within three minutes I'm fucking clueless on what to do. It was a true outrage and crime against society.
So I gave Kellog's a piece of my mind. I wrote them a message through their website:

Dear sirs,
I am nineteen years old and enjoy puzzles on the back of your cereal boxes. They are always delightful and fun and make me feel a tad bit smarter. Needless to say I am a community college student. But this particular puzzle on the back of my Colossal Fruit Loops is just too much. I could hardly figure it out myself...in fact, I made an error in pen, therefore cannot complete it. I feel unaccomplished and ashamed. Now imagine how a child would feel if he could not complete the colossal fruit loop. I don't expect anything more than an apology and the promise that the future puzzles will be easier.

I will keep you updated on any response. We will fight this wrong together.

An Inspirational Quote of the Day:

2006-11-06T17:56:00.000-05:00

(sitting in the car with my father, he says the phrase "shits and giggles." Immediately after...)

dad: ...I hate that phrase. Who the fuck shits and giggles at the same time? I sure as hell don't.

~This has been your inspirational quote for the day~

Amazon.com's Unwanted Products: Part Two

2006-09-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

Yeah. remember the lesson from the last entry? to clear out your Cookies? I clearly did not learn it.

Goddamnit, why are anal products still so funny...I'm partial to the cameo of Shock Treatment in this.

I think we should have a contest for funniest screen capture from Amazon.com...that'd be neat

I don't want that, Amazon.com! Let me be!

2006-09-24T18:07:00.000-04:00

I was on www.thesneeze.com and I saw his little ad for Amazon and it had an anal douche on it with a caption that said "make it sparkle!" I thought that was relatively funny so I clicked it. I wanted to fully comphrend the use of an anal douche. It was as funny as expected.
So I exit amazon and about an hour later I go back on to look up a price on a CD and now this is on my main page:

Maybe Im just immature..but I nearly peed myself when seeing THAT as the first thing on Amazon.com. I like the percentages too. The home enema bag is quite popular!!
I actually considered browsing to see if there was actually a used section, but I might not be able to handle it.
The lesson today: always remember to clear out Cookies on the computer. Otherwise you might be staring point blank down the barrel of an anal douche bulb.

2006-09-19T19:25:00.000-04:00

I wish that the Burger King mask was not sold anywhere and that I could get through this halloween without worrying about marissa or bill chasing me or hovering over my bed with the mask on and a knife in their hand or something.

and Jambi...if I could have one more wish, could you not be so flamboyant and gay?
"only one wish a day, Toni."