Redd Foxx would approve.

What I should be thinking about:





No, not becoming a Vassar girl. The emphasis is on the textbooks and studying.



What I am thinking about:



Sure, it may taste and smell like the tremendous blast of a thousand farts, but by the time you've reached the bottom of the bottle you can't even feel your tongue! and isn't that the purest joy of them all?

Dental Chairs and Doom: An Adventure

As many of you already know, I have spent the past week in a vicodin-blessed euphoric state thanks to getting my four wisdom teeth pulled. Everything healed nicely and I could tell that the stitches in my mouth were no longer necessary. Today I thought that I would be returning to the same surgeon who stitched me up. But I did not.

I'm not really one to get too squeamish about dental offices. My mother has been a dental office manager all over the tri-state area since I was a wee one, so I'm quite used to the sights and sounds. Today was the first day to put me at such unease that I secretly took photos while waiting for my dentist to finally come in and remove the stitches.



At first it wasn't so bad. I got this neat little Dr. Seuss bib that entertained me for about four minutes.





Once I got bored of staring at the same cloth, I began to take notice to other things around the office. First thing I did not like - this picture on the wall.





Usually these kinds of posters do not bother me. The problem with this one is that it does not show any nice teeth. Look for some, I dare ya. All those mouths are fucked up! That does not put me in a very good mood. I would like to see some positive reinforcement in a dental office.

I stare at the gory poster for a few minutes and try to get my mind elsewhere. I notice these furry stuffed animals in the corner.





A ghetto Barney and something else green behind it. Okay, not so bad.

Wait.

What is that green thing?

I actually got up to take a better look.







My reaction:



I sat like that for twenty minutes staring at that fucking thing. What cruel horrible place is this?

I've seen it before...





Yes. I was in the hidden dental office stage of Doom. But I didn't have the BFG. All I had was a Dr. Seuss bib.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow. Thanks, Carlin.







(Before anyone starts wondering about the green stuffed animal, I'll be 100 percent honest at the end here. It was just a hilarious angle. the stuffed animal is actually a really cute alligator with fake teeth in it to teach kids how to brush. What you're looking at is the mouth and its black nostrils. The mouth potrudes out and what you cant see are the plush eyes, so it looks like this horrid, disfigured creature. Honestly, when I first saw it, I almost crapped my pants and that's when I took the picture. When I went in to further look at it, I saw it was just really fine angling. So, hope I gave ya a laugh and a freak out anyway hehe)

A Moment of Sega Violence.

Nothing says mid 90's like a rediculously violent video game.

Here are maybe half of the death scenes in the game Brain Dead 13. Gotta love that it was rated K-A.

Who Needs Chuck Norris? WWRLD?

Whenever I've had a bad day, such as today, and I'm feelin a little down and out, I like to ask myself WWRLD?







What Would Robert Loggia Do?



Maybe he'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

Maybe he'd tell you he wants to give you a promotion in toy development.

Maybe he'd hold onto those stolen TVs for you and take the jail time (unintentionally.)

Maybe he'd get you involved in his intricate web of drug deals.

Maybe he'd sell you a waterbed and make you take that bitch for a test ride.

Or maybe he'd tell you that your mother is right and you should drink your minute maid.



Whatever he tells you, you better fuckin listen. Cuz he's Robert Loggia.



That's what cheers me up.

Webkinz...

I have a Webkinz Koala named Pappy.

He wears stonewash jeans and sunglasses. No shirt.

He has an air hockey table and a TV. That's it.

All he needs now is a Grateful Dead poster, some weed, and a fridge full of beer...can I buy that for a webkinz?

The Epic Battle Finally Ends...

For about a week now, there has been a showdown between me and a spider in the bathroom. Let me explain:

Last Monday, I noticed a big daddy long legs in the corner of the bathroom by the door. I ignored it, hoping it would go away. It did not.

By Wednesday, it was in a different corner of the bathroom, not one that could block my getaway when I attempted to kill it. So, I sprayed it with a water bottle (look, I can't get close enough to hit it with a book or something. i don't have the balls for that kinda thing.) and it jumped around and shit, but I thought it would die. I went to bed that night happily, knowing that the spider was no longer a menace to my bathroom.

Thursday it disappeared. Friday it disappeared. But Saturday it was in the corner by the door again. First off - it survived a harsh misting. Secondly - where did it go for two days?! Did it go on a vacation?! Did it say "Weeellll, I think I need to get away from this place, it's stressing me out. maybe I'll go check out the Carribean Islands, that'd be a nice get away for awhile!" Then it came back for the daily grind. in my bathroom.

It was there yesterday, just mocking me in the corner still, threatening to fall onto my head as soon as I pass under the door every time. But last night it disappeared. I started to get very angry.

Tonight, as I brushed my teeth a few minutes ago, I noticed it was not in the corner still. Maybe it went to go check out Orlando, Florida this time around. Then I saw it fall from the towel next to me. I jumped back and stared at it angrily for a few minutes. What the fuck? Did it honestly just jump out and try to scare me? Like "hah, bitch! that's for misting me some days back. Laater..." and it started to head back up to the corner of the bathroom.

Well tonight was the night. I grabbed the spray bottle and shot that fucker down off the wall and sprayed him with water until he was motionless. No, I still didnt have the courage to just squash him with something. This was like one of those dramatic shooting scenes from an action movie, only with a bottle shooting a fine mist.

As I walked away, the fucker started moving again. this is a fucking terminator spider. I threw a towel on him and stomped on it. I had enough.

Now the towel is still laying on the floor in the bathroom. I did not pick it up. I'll let someone else deal with the corpse. Now, if there is nothing under there, then I swear I'm going to throw a molotov cocktail in that bathroom. Or completely re-enact 300.

Spider: This is madness!

Toni: Madness? THIS IS MY RESIDENCE!!! *flick the spider across the room*

Whatcha makin, mom? Aww, botulism again?!

Today, I heard from the news that Castleberry is recalling over 90 products due to hospitalizations and the occurance of botulism.







We shop for only the finest in our house.

Since I already have it in my presence, I'm wondering of all the wonderous things I could do with this lil can of colon paralysis...

My best idea so far has been that I could throw an "I apologize and lets be friends!!" party for all the people I dislike and serve hot dogs and chili....

May I buy a very apparent vowel?

I'm in the empty bedroom, which used to be mine, and I go through some drawers I never really cleaned out. I find some really random old stuff like bad books, a magazine I took from Trading Post (greatest store ever), and this bad motherfucker.





Oh yeah, a BIGASS Tiger Handheld of Wheel of Fortune straight outta 1995, bitches. (I also found a 1991 Bart vs. The Space Mutants handheld, but it's not as funny as this.)

So, first let me say that I used to love that thing when I was a kid. Until I played it so many times I ran outta categories. Like, you were supposed to buy new little cartridges with different answers. Well, fuck that. I was happy answering the same 50 something answers. I saved mommy and daddy some cash!

I'm trying to picture myself as an eight year old holding that massive thing. Must been the size of my head. Tiger handhelds were usually cute and portable. This thing would have to be smuggled in a tote bag or some shit...

Now I find this to be pretty funny:




The vowel buttons are actually color coded. (Sorry for the poor phone camera quality, my real camera kicked the bucket). when I was eight, I knew what a vowel was. Is that totally necessary? Playing it yesterday, I felt kinda stupid. Like "well, my eyes seem to be completely distracted by the bright blue vowel menace on this handheld. I can't concentrate on the other letters, so screw it. I'm buyin a fuckin vowel!"

Now, here is where the funny part kicks in. This thing has been sitting in a drawer for over 10 years. I figured it would work as well as the day I bought it. Well...let's see what happens when I push the "category" button:







Okay, so our category is "ZDI EUB AI XGEPWXGFLV" Well, I don't remember this as a child. Perhaps this is the Russian translation. Well, I attempt to carry on anyhow. Unfortunately, I did not take a picture of the answer, but it was another mess of random letters.

The next puzzle's category is PLACES. okay! Now we're getting words! So, i start playing and I'm the type that if I have a decent amount of money, I will try to buy all the vowels at once and get it over with. It's kinda silly because you can save money by guessing vowels later, but it just makes it quicker. So, I won big money on two turns and decided to buy all the vowels. But there's a problem:



Okay, so there are no vowels in this puzzle. Not one. It's ALL consonants.

Fuck that. New puzzle.

So, i get another gibberish category and I play through, and then laugh my ass off when the answer shines through






Okay, so Whoopi Goldberg is under the category NIFDGIOFDSGS. That's nice.

Well, after that I just put ti away to fuck itself over for another decade. Maybe it will start to tell me premonitions and tales of the oncoming peace and unity of nations and the cooperation of fellow man.



Either that or it'll throw Russian at me again.



Now I take a small bow and leave on this note - have a great weekend, everyone!

My Fantasy Celebrity Plane Crash. Enjoy!

In a previous blog, I mentioned my "fantasy celebrity plane crash." Well, since I have nothing to do on this boring wednesday night, I thought I'd make it complete. Feel free to make your own! (Disclaimer - I really wish no harm upon these annoying insects we call celebrities. It's all in good fun, so no bitching.)

To start things off, we need someone I hate the most to fly this fucker.

My pilot:





Amy Lee. and I hope this plane does a nose dive because she better not limp away. I can't explain my hatred for Evanescence. Maybe it's the bad Hot Topic outfits, the exaggeration of her talent, or just the new awful pop/rock/metal scene, but she's flying this plane right into the ocean.



My co-pilot:





Scott Stapp. I used to think he was pretty hot. A total pompous ass, but hot. Then I just grew tired of him and his band. The first album was really something to admire. Then the second one proved that Tremonti plays one riff and Stapp drinks too much. Then the third album was one worthy of chucking into traffic. But besides the bad music - after seeing his sex tape, where he announces "it's good to be the king" while getting a blowjob (in the same room as Kid Rock, which is just a weeeee bit gay), I made sure he'd ride right beside my favorite queen of the fake goth scene.

My male flight attendant:



If you know me, you already know how much I fucking hate this man. on this fantasy plane, there will be no seatbelts for the flight attendants. and before he gets on the plane, George Carlin will kick him square in the balls. Just because he's George Carlin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

My female flight attendant:



Yeah, maybe Rosie is an easy target, but if I see her tubby face one more time on the news, I'm going to buy her this plane ticket personally. I don't care about her. Stop airing her. It's annoying.

So, now that we have a tiny crew, I think it's time to list the passengers. Remember, if you see somebody you like and you think "aww, Toni, that's not cool! They're awesome!" I really don't care. Make your own fantasy plane crash and make me pilot, it'll be funny.

The passengers:



I need not say anything.





Not the actors, but the characters. I have no beef with Emilio Estevez.






I can dig Rob Zombie, but somone needs to punch wifey in the face. She's pretty annoying.





Uwe Boll is just a jerk and makes bad movies.





Ann Coulter is a necessity to this trip to the bottom of the ocean.





Her and Amy Lee must shop in the same store they're endorsed by.





Anchorman was hilarious. Every movie following Anchorman that had the same exact humor as Anchorman starring Will Ferrel as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman was fucking terrible. No more bad movies. No more.



and bring your ugly friend with you.



Napoleon Dynamite wasn't funny at all. Will and Jon have something in common - they've played out the one character they excelled in. so go away.



That's all I can think of right at the moment...

maybe I'll add a few more later.

So the plane crashes and the world is safe from bad movies, comedians, and music once again. oh and a really annoying crazy Republican.

If You're Going to Watch a Movie About Robots...

...watch this one instead.





Short Circuit ruled.



P.S. Fuck Transformers. I still want my four dollars back...