Come back to me, childhood horrors.

When I was about eight or nine years old, I remember going to an arcade and finding an arcade game that looked appealing. I put a quarter in and started to play. I picked a character who had a chainsaw and a mohawk.

I was eight, so needless to say I couldn't play for shit. The game opened and my character is immediately attacked by this big samurai. He uses his machete to hack me up into little bloody pieces. First, I lose my arm and continue to play. Then, he chopped off my fucking head.

I played for about five minutes and as an eight year old, all I can think is "OHMIGOD PARENTS AREN'T SEEING ME PLAY THIS IM AWESOME!" I couldn't have been happier.

That night, I stayed awake with all the lights and the TV on. and the next night. I just waited for that samurai to come in and cut my limbs off. Never had I been so traumatized by a video game in my life. What's funny is I played Mortal Kombat all the time and it didn't bother me as much as this did.

Years later I'm trying to tell people about the video game (I could never remember the name) and they look at me like I'm in dire need of a padded helmet. I swore and swore that it existed.

So, to all the nonbelievers, let me present to you Time Killers, the video game that resulted in no sleep for 48 hours.




You may watch it and think "man, Mortal Kombat was worse than this." Well, this video actually shows the part that fucked me up. Go to 2:28 in the video and you'll see decapitated heads on stakes all around and Rancid (my punk chainsaw guy I tried to explain) as he gets cut into little twitching pieces.

Thank Youtube for the random strange things I try to explain sometimes. Youtube has become my own personal little powerpoint of life.

BIRFDAY CRACK.

My birthday is this Friday and my partner in Hallmark crime Chris says that we should have a 40's night as a celebration.

For those who aren't aware: 40's night is a special night with friends where we gather on a dirty carpet in a cottage and drink 40oz Steel Reserves or any other cheap alcohol until blessed euphoria sweeps over us (This particular euphoria has the aftertaste of a steer's bum). Remember: real college kids can't afford wine coolers and microbeers. they can afford two dollars worth of paint thinner equivalency.


Anyway, I think it's a lovely idea to celebrate with a 40's night. Then the best idea comes up.

We'll have a crackhead 40s night themed birthday party extravaganza. We'll go all out too. We'll wear dirty flannel, ripped clothes, and skull caps with broken cigarettes hanging out our mouths. It'll be beautiful. We'll even go buy our 40s dressed like that. We need to be authentic about it.



Is it offensive? yeah. Is it cruel? yeah. Do we care? Not exactly.

Will we probably do it?
-if we do, there will be pictures, I absolutely promise you.

Absolutely made my day.

I don't know who Scott Gairdner is, but he's become one of my heroes with this video.

I'm disapointed in you, General Mills.

Dear Ms. O----:

Thank you for contacting General Mills. We appreciate your comments regarding our advertising for Cocoa Puffs cereal. Your opinion is important to us, and will be shared with our marketing and advertising staff.

We hope you continue to enjoy our products.

Sincerely,

Emily Quintaine

Consumer Services





...they ignored me. I'm seriously debating writing another letter telling them that I will find warm comfort in the fact that Kellogg's takes me seriously when I write them emails and that I will be heard. This isn't over, Emily. Not by a long shot.

Cereal Complaints Part Two: Toni Goes West

I have encountered a new issue with a children's cereal. I have already written an email today and I think I made my arguement pretty clear. I'll include some photos for my readers throughout the email so they know what I'm referring to. I'm looking foward to a response from General Mills soon.



Hello, I'm a nineteen year old consumer of Cocoa Puffs and let me be the first one to say that I absolutely love the chocolatey deliciousness of your product. I have no problems with the actual corn puffs themselves. My problem lies within the current advertising of Cocoa Puffs.






For the past several years your mascot, Sunny the Cuckoo Bird, seems to have faced serious addiction issues to your product. Now he seems simply out of control. On this box of Cocoa Puffs I currently have in my possession, Sonny has bulged out eyes and constantly appears to be shaking.









He needs to escape Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolatey and they are personified into three cocoa puffs on the back of the box. They might as well be black tar heroin to this poor bird because his only means of escape are taking an elevator to the top floor. But where is he to go from there if they follow? Fellow consumers agree: Sonny appears as if he might commit suicide on that top floor.






I only mean well by informing you of this interpretation of Sonny. It has been agreed in my group of friends (and their sponsors) that Sonny needs help. I can only imagine how many children are getting the wrong message as they see Sonny fight away Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolately. It should also be noted that on the television advertisements, Sonny seems to give in every time to his addiction. What a role model.


Thank you for your time and consideration of my comments. I can only hope that Sonny will overcome his never-ending chocolately pain in the near future.

Redd Foxx would approve.

What I should be thinking about:





No, not becoming a Vassar girl. The emphasis is on the textbooks and studying.



What I am thinking about:



Sure, it may taste and smell like the tremendous blast of a thousand farts, but by the time you've reached the bottom of the bottle you can't even feel your tongue! and isn't that the purest joy of them all?

Dental Chairs and Doom: An Adventure

As many of you already know, I have spent the past week in a vicodin-blessed euphoric state thanks to getting my four wisdom teeth pulled. Everything healed nicely and I could tell that the stitches in my mouth were no longer necessary. Today I thought that I would be returning to the same surgeon who stitched me up. But I did not.

I'm not really one to get too squeamish about dental offices. My mother has been a dental office manager all over the tri-state area since I was a wee one, so I'm quite used to the sights and sounds. Today was the first day to put me at such unease that I secretly took photos while waiting for my dentist to finally come in and remove the stitches.



At first it wasn't so bad. I got this neat little Dr. Seuss bib that entertained me for about four minutes.





Once I got bored of staring at the same cloth, I began to take notice to other things around the office. First thing I did not like - this picture on the wall.





Usually these kinds of posters do not bother me. The problem with this one is that it does not show any nice teeth. Look for some, I dare ya. All those mouths are fucked up! That does not put me in a very good mood. I would like to see some positive reinforcement in a dental office.

I stare at the gory poster for a few minutes and try to get my mind elsewhere. I notice these furry stuffed animals in the corner.





A ghetto Barney and something else green behind it. Okay, not so bad.

Wait.

What is that green thing?

I actually got up to take a better look.







My reaction:



I sat like that for twenty minutes staring at that fucking thing. What cruel horrible place is this?

I've seen it before...





Yes. I was in the hidden dental office stage of Doom. But I didn't have the BFG. All I had was a Dr. Seuss bib.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow. Thanks, Carlin.







(Before anyone starts wondering about the green stuffed animal, I'll be 100 percent honest at the end here. It was just a hilarious angle. the stuffed animal is actually a really cute alligator with fake teeth in it to teach kids how to brush. What you're looking at is the mouth and its black nostrils. The mouth potrudes out and what you cant see are the plush eyes, so it looks like this horrid, disfigured creature. Honestly, when I first saw it, I almost crapped my pants and that's when I took the picture. When I went in to further look at it, I saw it was just really fine angling. So, hope I gave ya a laugh and a freak out anyway hehe)

A Moment of Sega Violence.

Nothing says mid 90's like a rediculously violent video game.

Here are maybe half of the death scenes in the game Brain Dead 13. Gotta love that it was rated K-A.

Who Needs Chuck Norris? WWRLD?

Whenever I've had a bad day, such as today, and I'm feelin a little down and out, I like to ask myself WWRLD?







What Would Robert Loggia Do?



Maybe he'd tell you to go fuck yourself.

Maybe he'd tell you he wants to give you a promotion in toy development.

Maybe he'd hold onto those stolen TVs for you and take the jail time (unintentionally.)

Maybe he'd get you involved in his intricate web of drug deals.

Maybe he'd sell you a waterbed and make you take that bitch for a test ride.

Or maybe he'd tell you that your mother is right and you should drink your minute maid.



Whatever he tells you, you better fuckin listen. Cuz he's Robert Loggia.



That's what cheers me up.

Webkinz...

I have a Webkinz Koala named Pappy.

He wears stonewash jeans and sunglasses. No shirt.

He has an air hockey table and a TV. That's it.

All he needs now is a Grateful Dead poster, some weed, and a fridge full of beer...can I buy that for a webkinz?