That's the most expensive hobo bag in the world! I thought those were usually free at Price Chopper.
I guess I don't understand fashion today. If I had known it was cool to walk around with hobo bags and shopping carts, I'd be sleeping on the concrete of the city right now. It's hip.
I know this wasn't much of an update, but I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to re-post my first ever comedy entry from over a year ago (it vanished with my first blog I deleted). It involves a girl, a camera, and an idea only boredom could conjure up.
Sometimes boredom leads to random adventures on Youtube (as you've seen in the previous blog) and somehow I came across a gameplay video of one of the funniest digitized fighter games I've ever seen.
It's called Survival Arts. I've never heard of it before this video. Let me say that I love the fact this kid actually slows done the cheesy fatality as a replay lol.
I watched a full gameplay video of it and it's obviously just a Mortal Kombat ripoff. There are funny moments here and there, but nothing really worthy of talking about.
Except the final boss. I want you to prepare yourself. There are bad video game moments and then there are destruction of a video game console moments. This one is leaning very close to the latter....
This is Dantel. He is your final boss in Survival Arts. Where did they find this actor? Was he waiting outside a Van Halen show kicking people in a drunken haze when they found their inspiration?
Who the hell wants to fight a guy named Dantel who looks like he just came home from a Dio concert? Wait until you see his cheap Halloween store costume:
WHere did he get that? It looks like he was trying out for Motley Crue or some shit.
wait. I'm gonna post this picture again because I just realized how funny that screenshot was:
He breathes fire. What a fuckin lameass. He doesn't know martial arts or any kind of art. He breathes fire. I want Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat to come over here and kick him in the nuts.
This is probably my favorite part. After you beat him, he doesn't explode violently or gush blood or even die for that matter.
Hitler and Mussolini heads fly out of his body. This is the best metaphor for evil they can come up with? Hitler heads? I don't know whether to laugh or cry in embarassment for the creators of this game...
Since I'm running out of time and need to go attend to other things besides strange youtube videos, I'm going to leave on this note:
Next time I have the chance, I'm going to look up Sam and see what he's done with himself since this game.
When I was about eight or nine years old, I remember going to an arcade and finding an arcade game that looked appealing. I put a quarter in and started to play. I picked a character who had a chainsaw and a mohawk.
I was eight, so needless to say I couldn't play for shit. The game opened and my character is immediately attacked by this big samurai. He uses his machete to hack me up into little bloody pieces. First, I lose my arm and continue to play. Then, he chopped off my fucking head.
I played for about five minutes and as an eight year old, all I can think is "OHMIGOD PARENTS AREN'T SEEING ME PLAY THIS IM AWESOME!" I couldn't have been happier.
That night, I stayed awake with all the lights and the TV on. and the next night. I just waited for that samurai to come in and cut my limbs off. Never had I been so traumatized by a video game in my life. What's funny is I played Mortal Kombat all the time and it didn't bother me as much as this did.
Years later I'm trying to tell people about the video game (I could never remember the name) and they look at me like I'm in dire need of a padded helmet. I swore and swore that it existed.
So, to all the nonbelievers, let me present to you Time Killers, the video game that resulted in no sleep for 48 hours.
You may watch it and think "man, Mortal Kombat was worse than this." Well, this video actually shows the part that fucked me up. Go to 2:28 in the video and you'll see decapitated heads on stakes all around and Rancid (my punk chainsaw guy I tried to explain) as he gets cut into little twitching pieces.
Thank Youtube for the random strange things I try to explain sometimes. Youtube has become my own personal little powerpoint of life.
My birthday is this Friday and my partner in Hallmark crime Chris says that we should have a 40's night as a celebration.
For those who aren't aware: 40's night is a special night with friends where we gather on a dirty carpet in a cottage and drink 40oz Steel Reserves or any other cheap alcohol until blessed euphoria sweeps over us (This particular euphoria has the aftertaste of a steer's bum). Remember: real college kids can't afford wine coolers and microbeers. they can afford two dollars worth of paint thinner equivalency.
Anyway, I think it's a lovely idea to celebrate with a 40's night. Then the best idea comes up.
We'll have a crackhead 40s night themed birthday party extravaganza. We'll go all out too. We'll wear dirty flannel, ripped clothes, and skull caps with broken cigarettes hanging out our mouths. It'll be beautiful. We'll even go buy our 40s dressed like that. We need to be authentic about it.
Is it offensive? yeah. Is it cruel? yeah. Do we care? Not exactly.
Will we probably do it? -if we do, there will be pictures, I absolutely promise you.
Thank you for contacting General Mills. We appreciate your comments regarding our advertising for Cocoa Puffs cereal. Your opinion is important to us, and will be shared with our marketing and advertising staff.
We hope you continue to enjoy our products.
Sincerely,
Emily Quintaine
Consumer Services
...they ignored me. I'm seriously debating writing another letter telling them that I will find warm comfort in the fact that Kellogg's takes me seriously when I write them emails and that I will be heard. This isn't over, Emily. Not by a long shot.
I have encountered a new issue with a children's cereal. I have already written an email today and I think I made my arguement pretty clear. I'll include some photos for my readers throughout the email so they know what I'm referring to. I'm looking foward to a response from General Mills soon.
Hello, I'm a nineteen year old consumer of Cocoa Puffs and let me be the first one to say that I absolutely love the chocolatey deliciousness of your product. I have no problems with the actual corn puffs themselves. My problem lies within the current advertising of Cocoa Puffs.
For the past several years your mascot, Sunny the Cuckoo Bird, seems to have faced serious addiction issues to your product. Now he seems simply out of control. On this box of Cocoa Puffs I currently have in my possession, Sonny has bulged out eyes and constantly appears to be shaking.
He needs to escape Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolatey and they are personified into three cocoa puffs on the back of the box. They might as well be black tar heroin to this poor bird because his only means of escape are taking an elevator to the top floor. But where is he to go from there if they follow? Fellow consumers agree: Sonny appears as if he might commit suicide on that top floor.
I only mean well by informing you of this interpretation of Sonny. It has been agreed in my group of friends (and their sponsors) that Sonny needs help. I can only imagine how many children are getting the wrong message as they see Sonny fight away Munchy, Crunchy, and Chocolately. It should also be noted that on the television advertisements, Sonny seems to give in every time to his addiction. What a role model.
Thank you for your time and consideration of my comments. I can only hope that Sonny will overcome his never-ending chocolately pain in the near future.
No, not becoming a Vassar girl. The emphasis is on the textbooks and studying.
What I am thinking about:
Sure, it may taste and smell like the tremendous blast of a thousand farts, but by the time you've reached the bottom of the bottle you can't even feel your tongue! and isn't that the purest joy of them all?
