"Get your paws off my novel, you damned dirty ape."

I visited a local library sale today and I was surprised by how large of a crowd it attracted. It was actually a reassuring feeling to know that people still read. What a concept, right?
However, upon my browsing, I began to take notice of a flaw we all seemed to have:

We lack social skills. Completely.

For example, The tables arranged with books are very long and we all kind of move down the sides of them like fat kids browsing the buffet. However, when you're tired of standing behind the lady in the orange tee-shirt who has been eyeing the same Nora Roberts book for five minutes, reading the synopsis aloud to herself, you really just want to cut on ahead. So, as the polite person I am, I say "excuse me" softly. Her response:

"mmhmm...the life of Roz Harper is that of a widow and mother..."
Maybe she did not hear me. She is quite old and that orange tee is a little loud. I say it a bit stronger. "EXCUSE ME."
"HRM?!"She eyes me. I apologize and attempt to cut out of the line and move forward. She does not budge. She's gripping that novel for dear life. I become fearful and back down. I will wait until she has decided whether she wants to splurge the 50 cents on that book.
That was the biggest problem, really. the "Excuse Me's" and the grunts I received thereafter. Nobody spoke. You would attempt to walk by, they'd eye you, grunt loudly, and shift awkwardly to the side. The only other sound was the quiet murmur of reading aloud and nothing else. Oh, sure there were children screaming and begging to go home, but children don't count. They're not real people.
The only full statement I heard the entire time was (and I don't lie to my readers):

"Oh this is interesting...it's an encyclopedia of cheese!"

So, let me get this straight. The avid readers, who probably have extensive vocabularies, wonderful insights, and deep cognitive thoughts grunt at one another. The person reading an article about Swiss cheese is bright and talking joyfully amongst her friends. Where did we go wrong?
Maybe I should give up. Maybe I should just put the Doctorow book down and go watch The Happening.

Uplifting conversation.

[00:48] Chris: the kid from twilight got hit by a car!
[00:48] Toni: is he dead?
[00:48] Chris: nah unscathed
[00:48] Toni: ...so we can expect another movie then...
[00:48] Toni: Damn.

Oprah, your tyranny shall end.

Months ago I wrote a letter to Oprah regarding my friend Vicki injuring herself after watching one of Oprah's intense exercise specials. The letter I wrote is as follows:


Hello, Oprah. I cannot say I am a fan of your show. I have actually never watched one episode. It was a choice between you or Match Game '78 on the game show network. However, that is not what I'm here to talk about.My friend, Vicki Belasco, came to me after watching an episode of yours called "Good Life" sometime earlier this month (January). She told me that you inspired her to get herself in better shape and take better care of herself. She seemed terribly excited over the idea. I suggested we go out and get a beer, but she resisted and said she must begin working out immediately.Today I found out that she severely pulled her back on an ab machine due to her extreme vigor and excitement. She is in pain and is having difficulty with normal daily activities such as yoga and smoking cigarettes. Her vigor is the result of your charisma and charm. You are to blame, Oprah. We do not expect reparation, although that would be mighty kind. We just want a formal apology for your drive and inspiration that caused this scene. Thank you for your consideration. Take care, Oprah. Be strong. But not too strong as to hurt another fan.



I never did recieve any letter or even a reparation check. I'm pulling the bullshit card on you, Oprah.

Well another incident has occurred and this time I want satisfaction - well, satisfacation by living vicariously through Vicki's pain.

To Whom it May Concern (that means you, Oprah):
Months ago, I sent you a letter regarding my friend's injury from watching your television program. She became overwhelmed by your diet and exercise program and hurt her back on an Ab Cruncher. I was hoping that a reponse or reparations would come in due time, but never did.
However, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to tell you of more sad news.
She hurt herself again.
Yes, Oprah. You did it again. Your inspiration and empowering motivation has led Vicki to yet another injury. She watched a commercial about a show about sex offenders airing on Friday (today - June 12) and became overwhelmed. She ran down the hallway to announce to her grandmother that sex offenders were coming after her body and proceeded to trip on the stairs. She was in severe pain and almost broke her leg.
Today is Friday. I'm terrified for her life. If she watches this episode today, god knows what could happen to her?
Your motivation, although powerful and endearing to most, is dangerous and the world needs to know this. I hope you read this letter because you've touched a girl too deeply and its affecting her life and those around her. You've touched thousands of women, Oprah. Deeply. See where I'm going with this?
I expect at least a response and two apologies. One for the first injury and one for the most recent one. Better apologize three times since I'm pretty sure that after Vicki views this episode, another will be necessary.
Never seen your show,
Toni O.


Come on, Oprah. It's your move.

Defensive Driving? FUCK YOU!

To get 10 percent off my insurance, I went to an eight hour defensive driving course. Needless to say, it's not the most riveting material. Evidently, cars are death traps and everyone is going to kill me. I like to stay positive though. I let my creativity flow in the workbook. Read along with me now.

one one of the first activities, we're supposed to identify what the driving hazard is. Now in this picture, we see a truck being towed backwards, ready to pop off the tow and smash into your front end. What is the hazard?



You never know when it'll happen.



Second activity: What if scenarios.






The last bit I got creative on was not so much an activity as an illustration of how to properly pass someone. I think my way is correct:

Step one:


Step two:


Step three:


At least he was courteous enough to turn off the music to say "UP YOURS."



I also did a drawing of Gandalf standing in the middle lane saying YOU SHALL NOT PASS! but someone was looking over my shoulder and I crossed it out.


So all in all, a very productive class. To quote the old lady sitting in front of me:

"When the fuck is this over? I want to go home."

It was like looking at my own future Bif.

Oh hai.

It has almost been a year since my last updates (ya know, the ones where I promised I'd update more?) and I must say I miss writing this blog. So, you know what? I'm back. Why not? I want to keep pushing out the funny, so lets see what trivial crap I give mind-birth to this year.

There will need to be a few changes around here though:

1) I'm no longer a community college student. I've recieved my useless Associates. So a new catchline is in order for this place.

2)No more stolen Youtube videos. It seems every video I've posted has been taken down due to lawsuit, embarassment, or pending embarassment. So I'll post my own videos from now on and if necessary - screenshots.

3)I won't disappear for a year long hiatus again. I'd like to say I went on a hajj to find myself, or possibly joined the Crusades (both ends of the spectrum, why not?) but sadly I've been right here, just ignoring you. What a cunt, I know.

4) I'll try and keep the topics varied. I tried my hand at doing review videos of books in the style of AVGN and Nostalgia CRitic - I sadly called it the Angry Lit Critic - and needless to say, nobody cared. It's hard to make a video of something that has absolutely no visuals. So, I'll do my best to keep you interested and not bore you. Although, I may do a text review of the Lonely Lady again because that book was blow your mind awful.

5)To keep morale up, I'm enforcing "wacky tie Fridays" so please - don't be a fucking dick. Wear a wacky tie.

So that's what's up. You'll be hearing from me soon and hopefully I can have your attention back after being a neglectful whore. My apologies.

Pit Stop.

Back once again with nothing much. Sorry for the delay, people. I've been spending this summer so lazily that I have no reason to not update.

I'm here for two things:

To tell you I'm working on a video that will either succeed greatly or fail and you'll never hear about it again.

and that the Germans are a fucked up people. I present to you the unveiling of their new soccer uniforms. Germany - taking shit too seriously to a new level.

http://www.faniq.com/blog/Video-Bayern-Munich-Unveils-New-Uniforms-At-Bizarre-FashionChoreography-Show-Blog-10573

I'm alive. Where are you?

I return from a very long hiatus with nothing particularly exciting, I just felt terrible that I've neglected my blog for so long. It was not suspenseful build for an amazing post. I apologize.

I come bearing this adorable story sent to me by my brother, though:

SALT LAKE CITY — Sadie and Pyper Vance have had just about enough of high gas prices. The sisters are still years away from being old enough to drive, but that doesn't mean the $4 per gallon price tag isn't hitting them as hard as anyone else.

Cable TV was one of the family's budget-cutting casualties, leaving Sadie, 9, and her 7-year-old sister without their favorite cartoons and shows.

"Gas prices are too high," Sadie said. "I just decided to come and protest so they'd go down."

The girls marched through downtown Monday chanting and carrying signs made from old campaign signs.

"All of my mom's monny goes to the gas tank!" Pyper's sign read. Sadie carried a sign asking drivers to honk to lower gas prices — adding that her mom had to cut "cabel."

The girls got some waves and a few thumbs-up to show support.

"I think it's great," said Hamid Tayeb, who was walking past on his lunch break. "It's unfortunate that kids are doing it before we do."



...Is this cute? Do people find it adorable that the girls can't spell? Or was it creative genius?

I wanna hold up a sign next to them that says "MY CAR HAS GAS. LETS GO BUY BOOKS." and then a friend could stand next to me with a sign that says "SERIOUSLY. THIS SHIT IS NOT CUTE. READ."


Other than that, nothing else particularly funny in my life.

-Mr. Carlin passed away two days ago and that has me down. I'll wear a brown ribbon for you. But you'd probably hate that, so I guess I'll just call you an asshole.

-I'm now officially certified as a teacher's assistant. Watch out, children. Well, actually there is nothing to watch out for because I don't have a teaching job yet. So...keep it on the backburner and know that I just may be in - ah fuck it. I'm not menacing.

-I heard that the Joker dies at the end of Batman. *Rimshot* Ah, I've got a million of Heath Ledger jokes...

-Montreal is stylish. I went there for a week to visit a friend at school and the homeless people dressed better than me. The goth kids actually looked like real punks and not fat fourteen year olds in Iron Maiden shirts (note to self: need to get some pictures up of my glorydays as that kid). The old people who shuffled down the streets accessorized their oxygen tanks with Coach tags. I got back home and my town seemed terribly...smelly and poorly proportioned.

-I've run out of things to talk about. Will be back to post more humor. Will try not to leave you hanging like that for another...uh, few months. heh.

Bad Ads return.

I present to you yet another terrible ad that was poorly thought out:




....does everyone forget that this girl is barely a high school student? Fifteen years old, people.

I think I know what happens when you click this ad though...



"Hello. I'm Chris Hansen, have a seat!"

It could change your life.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I'm just not that funny lately.

In fact, I can barely think of anything funny at this moment except for two things:

1. Yet another terrible internet ad:



*glances down* yes. I am. Didn't need to sign up for a monthly subscription to answer that doozy of a question.




2. My friend's cat....




...looks a helluva lot like Stalin.




That's all I got folks. *takes a small bow*

Why even bother?

I went to see George Carlin last week. It was my first time having the opportunity to see Carlin and I had never been so excited.

Then I find out I'm in the fourth row seats. Now I'm crapping my pants in delight.

George Carlin steps out on the stage and I say "wow. this is a historic moment for me. My comedic hero is only feet away from me and this may be my last chance to ever see him perform."

I must take a picture and document this joyous occasion, but I didn't bring a camera, assuming they're not allowed! Alas! I have a cell phone camera to save the day!





Eh...there is he. George Carlin. He always had such a wonderful facial structure. I think this picture really brings it out, doesn't it?



In closing:
fuck cell phone cameras.