I forgot how much of my elementary school life was dedicated to the Apple Game The Oregon Trail. I loved it like a son. So, I thought I'd bring it up to times and make it a story adventure that we could all relate to. Sound like fun? You bet your fat ass it is!!! This is:





One day, me and my friends sat around complaining that there was nothing to do in Poughkeepsie. I suggest we go to Oregon. Everyone was drunk at the time, so it seemed reasonable enough. I make my guest list:





Yes. those names are correct. I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, STOP TRYING TO CORRECT ME COMPUTER APPLICATION! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP....ahem. anyhoo.

We put all our funds together. Me, Taylor, and Chris all put in our college funds, Liz puts in her weed and beer money, and I steal Steve's wallet. All together we have $1,600 among us. Hence community college. We drop by Matty's Liquor Store..I mean general store and get the supplies. Then we stop by Chris's old dorm and get the OTHER supplies...




Then we're off. We start out fine except for the occasional aruguing about the strengths of superheroes and who keeps farting, but it goes well. Suddenly:





Chris forgot to strap up the oxen one night...he said it was because he did not want to spill his beer. I understand. we've got like 7 others...I always wondered where the hell the other oxen were...you can only see one...whatever.

We come across a river. Taylor says caulk it. I say I don't even know what that means. Liz says ford it. Steve says just pay the ten dollars and take the fuckin ferry!

I decide to go with fording the river. I have such confidence in our ability that...





nevermind. At least we didn't lose any supplies.



So we keep on trucking. We occasionally eat some grub, eat some wild fruit to see if it makes us trip, the usual shit that we normally do. Steve tells me that he finally figured out how to perfect the barrel roll. He yells DO A BARREL R-






Good try though, baby. At least you can tell people that you were attempting something cool when you snapped your knee.

So keep on trucking, we did. We stopped one night after discovering that we were a little too drunk to drive the wagon and that we were afraid we might get pulled over. We all sleep soundly and suddenly:





Some little bastard in a hat steals our squares and shit! What the fuck?! Who does that?! Upon studying the surveilance tapes later, I realized I recognized him...




Damn you, Bill....I want my fuckin squares back.



Our spirits were down, but once we furthered ourselves along the trail we felt refreshed at the beautiful pixelated sites.






"looks like a penis," said Liz. "Looks like a pipe," said Chris. "I wanna go home, this is stupid," said Taylor. "I wonder if I can buy condoms here," said Steve. "Let's go before I put anymore quotes in," said Toni.

in the distance, they heard Bill's evil laughter and the sad crying of boxes...

On we went with our road trip. We realized that we were getting rather hungry, so we sent Steve out to do some hunting. The animals ran by rediculously fast...but Steve has a sharp eye.





We see another river. We all debate again. Steve pleads that we just take the ferry and pay for it. We'll be so much safer. nothing can go wrong? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! He asks. But now I'm feeling spiteful because he drank my Dr. Pepper. So I decide we should caulk it. Sure, it's 400 feet deep...why not do something to our wagon that I dont even know what it does? It has to work!






Whoops. sorry guyz!! lolz

So now I'm alone and tired and hungry and horny and wondering if I'll ever make it to Oregon. and waht the hell I'm going to do when I get there anyways.






I knew I shouldn't have eaten that cholera-plant I saw on the side of the road...I find myself ill and confused...the oxen are beginning to look very attractive...suddenly. I died.






see?

So, not even close to making it to Oregon, my friends and I felt the pain of the trail. We could have just taken a bus, seriously. Well, at least I have a neat tombstone.