Webkinz...

I have a Webkinz Koala named Pappy.

He wears stonewash jeans and sunglasses. No shirt.

He has an air hockey table and a TV. That's it.

All he needs now is a Grateful Dead poster, some weed, and a fridge full of beer...can I buy that for a webkinz?

The Epic Battle Finally Ends...

For about a week now, there has been a showdown between me and a spider in the bathroom. Let me explain:

Last Monday, I noticed a big daddy long legs in the corner of the bathroom by the door. I ignored it, hoping it would go away. It did not.

By Wednesday, it was in a different corner of the bathroom, not one that could block my getaway when I attempted to kill it. So, I sprayed it with a water bottle (look, I can't get close enough to hit it with a book or something. i don't have the balls for that kinda thing.) and it jumped around and shit, but I thought it would die. I went to bed that night happily, knowing that the spider was no longer a menace to my bathroom.

Thursday it disappeared. Friday it disappeared. But Saturday it was in the corner by the door again. First off - it survived a harsh misting. Secondly - where did it go for two days?! Did it go on a vacation?! Did it say "Weeellll, I think I need to get away from this place, it's stressing me out. maybe I'll go check out the Carribean Islands, that'd be a nice get away for awhile!" Then it came back for the daily grind. in my bathroom.

It was there yesterday, just mocking me in the corner still, threatening to fall onto my head as soon as I pass under the door every time. But last night it disappeared. I started to get very angry.

Tonight, as I brushed my teeth a few minutes ago, I noticed it was not in the corner still. Maybe it went to go check out Orlando, Florida this time around. Then I saw it fall from the towel next to me. I jumped back and stared at it angrily for a few minutes. What the fuck? Did it honestly just jump out and try to scare me? Like "hah, bitch! that's for misting me some days back. Laater..." and it started to head back up to the corner of the bathroom.

Well tonight was the night. I grabbed the spray bottle and shot that fucker down off the wall and sprayed him with water until he was motionless. No, I still didnt have the courage to just squash him with something. This was like one of those dramatic shooting scenes from an action movie, only with a bottle shooting a fine mist.

As I walked away, the fucker started moving again. this is a fucking terminator spider. I threw a towel on him and stomped on it. I had enough.

Now the towel is still laying on the floor in the bathroom. I did not pick it up. I'll let someone else deal with the corpse. Now, if there is nothing under there, then I swear I'm going to throw a molotov cocktail in that bathroom. Or completely re-enact 300.

Spider: This is madness!

Toni: Madness? THIS IS MY RESIDENCE!!! *flick the spider across the room*

Whatcha makin, mom? Aww, botulism again?!

Today, I heard from the news that Castleberry is recalling over 90 products due to hospitalizations and the occurance of botulism.







We shop for only the finest in our house.

Since I already have it in my presence, I'm wondering of all the wonderous things I could do with this lil can of colon paralysis...

My best idea so far has been that I could throw an "I apologize and lets be friends!!" party for all the people I dislike and serve hot dogs and chili....

May I buy a very apparent vowel?

I'm in the empty bedroom, which used to be mine, and I go through some drawers I never really cleaned out. I find some really random old stuff like bad books, a magazine I took from Trading Post (greatest store ever), and this bad motherfucker.





Oh yeah, a BIGASS Tiger Handheld of Wheel of Fortune straight outta 1995, bitches. (I also found a 1991 Bart vs. The Space Mutants handheld, but it's not as funny as this.)

So, first let me say that I used to love that thing when I was a kid. Until I played it so many times I ran outta categories. Like, you were supposed to buy new little cartridges with different answers. Well, fuck that. I was happy answering the same 50 something answers. I saved mommy and daddy some cash!

I'm trying to picture myself as an eight year old holding that massive thing. Must been the size of my head. Tiger handhelds were usually cute and portable. This thing would have to be smuggled in a tote bag or some shit...

Now I find this to be pretty funny:




The vowel buttons are actually color coded. (Sorry for the poor phone camera quality, my real camera kicked the bucket). when I was eight, I knew what a vowel was. Is that totally necessary? Playing it yesterday, I felt kinda stupid. Like "well, my eyes seem to be completely distracted by the bright blue vowel menace on this handheld. I can't concentrate on the other letters, so screw it. I'm buyin a fuckin vowel!"

Now, here is where the funny part kicks in. This thing has been sitting in a drawer for over 10 years. I figured it would work as well as the day I bought it. Well...let's see what happens when I push the "category" button:







Okay, so our category is "ZDI EUB AI XGEPWXGFLV" Well, I don't remember this as a child. Perhaps this is the Russian translation. Well, I attempt to carry on anyhow. Unfortunately, I did not take a picture of the answer, but it was another mess of random letters.

The next puzzle's category is PLACES. okay! Now we're getting words! So, i start playing and I'm the type that if I have a decent amount of money, I will try to buy all the vowels at once and get it over with. It's kinda silly because you can save money by guessing vowels later, but it just makes it quicker. So, I won big money on two turns and decided to buy all the vowels. But there's a problem:



Okay, so there are no vowels in this puzzle. Not one. It's ALL consonants.

Fuck that. New puzzle.

So, i get another gibberish category and I play through, and then laugh my ass off when the answer shines through






Okay, so Whoopi Goldberg is under the category NIFDGIOFDSGS. That's nice.

Well, after that I just put ti away to fuck itself over for another decade. Maybe it will start to tell me premonitions and tales of the oncoming peace and unity of nations and the cooperation of fellow man.



Either that or it'll throw Russian at me again.



Now I take a small bow and leave on this note - have a great weekend, everyone!

My Fantasy Celebrity Plane Crash. Enjoy!

In a previous blog, I mentioned my "fantasy celebrity plane crash." Well, since I have nothing to do on this boring wednesday night, I thought I'd make it complete. Feel free to make your own! (Disclaimer - I really wish no harm upon these annoying insects we call celebrities. It's all in good fun, so no bitching.)

To start things off, we need someone I hate the most to fly this fucker.

My pilot:





Amy Lee. and I hope this plane does a nose dive because she better not limp away. I can't explain my hatred for Evanescence. Maybe it's the bad Hot Topic outfits, the exaggeration of her talent, or just the new awful pop/rock/metal scene, but she's flying this plane right into the ocean.



My co-pilot:





Scott Stapp. I used to think he was pretty hot. A total pompous ass, but hot. Then I just grew tired of him and his band. The first album was really something to admire. Then the second one proved that Tremonti plays one riff and Stapp drinks too much. Then the third album was one worthy of chucking into traffic. But besides the bad music - after seeing his sex tape, where he announces "it's good to be the king" while getting a blowjob (in the same room as Kid Rock, which is just a weeeee bit gay), I made sure he'd ride right beside my favorite queen of the fake goth scene.

My male flight attendant:



If you know me, you already know how much I fucking hate this man. on this fantasy plane, there will be no seatbelts for the flight attendants. and before he gets on the plane, George Carlin will kick him square in the balls. Just because he's George Carlin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

My female flight attendant:



Yeah, maybe Rosie is an easy target, but if I see her tubby face one more time on the news, I'm going to buy her this plane ticket personally. I don't care about her. Stop airing her. It's annoying.

So, now that we have a tiny crew, I think it's time to list the passengers. Remember, if you see somebody you like and you think "aww, Toni, that's not cool! They're awesome!" I really don't care. Make your own fantasy plane crash and make me pilot, it'll be funny.

The passengers:



I need not say anything.





Not the actors, but the characters. I have no beef with Emilio Estevez.






I can dig Rob Zombie, but somone needs to punch wifey in the face. She's pretty annoying.





Uwe Boll is just a jerk and makes bad movies.





Ann Coulter is a necessity to this trip to the bottom of the ocean.





Her and Amy Lee must shop in the same store they're endorsed by.





Anchorman was hilarious. Every movie following Anchorman that had the same exact humor as Anchorman starring Will Ferrel as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman was fucking terrible. No more bad movies. No more.



and bring your ugly friend with you.



Napoleon Dynamite wasn't funny at all. Will and Jon have something in common - they've played out the one character they excelled in. so go away.



That's all I can think of right at the moment...

maybe I'll add a few more later.

So the plane crashes and the world is safe from bad movies, comedians, and music once again. oh and a really annoying crazy Republican.

If You're Going to Watch a Movie About Robots...

...watch this one instead.





Short Circuit ruled.



P.S. Fuck Transformers. I still want my four dollars back...

True Ads Frighten Me.

So I'm sure by now everyone has seen the True Ad video of the girl dancing in front of the webcam. She looks like this:







Okay. That's her.

Well, here's my thing...it starts out with her winking and doing flirty things that only drunken twelve year olds do when they find their way into a bar with a fake ID. but thats not what I'm here to talk about:

she gets up and dances like a lunatic for nobody.

First off, if we were to use our imagination and think of this as not an ad, but a real girl who is interested in you, we should assume that she's completely fucking nuts!! She doesn't have a webcam connection on her laptop, therefore this would be her just acting alone in her living room. So...as she talks to you she gets up and dances like a moron in front of her pets. WHY WOULD YOU DATE HER?! Besides the dancing, she talks to herself too! THere's nobody around...who the hell are you talking to, lady?! Imma block you, you is psycho!

and she only lives 14 miles away...she may find where I live and dance in my living room with wax fruit on her head. I'm serious. I want a restraining order. Never speak to me again, Amore4you, if that is your real name. you crazy cunt.

I forgot how much of my elementary school life was dedicated to the Apple Game The Oregon Trail. I loved it like a son. So, I thought I'd bring it up to times and make it a story adventure that we could all relate to. Sound like fun? You bet your fat ass it is!!! This is:





One day, me and my friends sat around complaining that there was nothing to do in Poughkeepsie. I suggest we go to Oregon. Everyone was drunk at the time, so it seemed reasonable enough. I make my guest list:





Yes. those names are correct. I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT, STOP TRYING TO CORRECT ME COMPUTER APPLICATION! I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP....ahem. anyhoo.

We put all our funds together. Me, Taylor, and Chris all put in our college funds, Liz puts in her weed and beer money, and I steal Steve's wallet. All together we have $1,600 among us. Hence community college. We drop by Matty's Liquor Store..I mean general store and get the supplies. Then we stop by Chris's old dorm and get the OTHER supplies...




Then we're off. We start out fine except for the occasional aruguing about the strengths of superheroes and who keeps farting, but it goes well. Suddenly:





Chris forgot to strap up the oxen one night...he said it was because he did not want to spill his beer. I understand. we've got like 7 others...I always wondered where the hell the other oxen were...you can only see one...whatever.

We come across a river. Taylor says caulk it. I say I don't even know what that means. Liz says ford it. Steve says just pay the ten dollars and take the fuckin ferry!

I decide to go with fording the river. I have such confidence in our ability that...





nevermind. At least we didn't lose any supplies.



So we keep on trucking. We occasionally eat some grub, eat some wild fruit to see if it makes us trip, the usual shit that we normally do. Steve tells me that he finally figured out how to perfect the barrel roll. He yells DO A BARREL R-






Good try though, baby. At least you can tell people that you were attempting something cool when you snapped your knee.

So keep on trucking, we did. We stopped one night after discovering that we were a little too drunk to drive the wagon and that we were afraid we might get pulled over. We all sleep soundly and suddenly:





Some little bastard in a hat steals our squares and shit! What the fuck?! Who does that?! Upon studying the surveilance tapes later, I realized I recognized him...




Damn you, Bill....I want my fuckin squares back.



Our spirits were down, but once we furthered ourselves along the trail we felt refreshed at the beautiful pixelated sites.






"looks like a penis," said Liz. "Looks like a pipe," said Chris. "I wanna go home, this is stupid," said Taylor. "I wonder if I can buy condoms here," said Steve. "Let's go before I put anymore quotes in," said Toni.

in the distance, they heard Bill's evil laughter and the sad crying of boxes...

On we went with our road trip. We realized that we were getting rather hungry, so we sent Steve out to do some hunting. The animals ran by rediculously fast...but Steve has a sharp eye.





We see another river. We all debate again. Steve pleads that we just take the ferry and pay for it. We'll be so much safer. nothing can go wrong? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY! He asks. But now I'm feeling spiteful because he drank my Dr. Pepper. So I decide we should caulk it. Sure, it's 400 feet deep...why not do something to our wagon that I dont even know what it does? It has to work!






Whoops. sorry guyz!! lolz

So now I'm alone and tired and hungry and horny and wondering if I'll ever make it to Oregon. and waht the hell I'm going to do when I get there anyways.






I knew I shouldn't have eaten that cholera-plant I saw on the side of the road...I find myself ill and confused...the oxen are beginning to look very attractive...suddenly. I died.






see?

So, not even close to making it to Oregon, my friends and I felt the pain of the trail. We could have just taken a bus, seriously. Well, at least I have a neat tombstone.

I think R. Kelly is in my closet...

I was talking about R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" with Steve and he didn't know what it was. Just for shits and giggles, i decided to download it and really give it a listen.

right now im on part one through five. I'm crying laughing...who's fucking marketing idea was this?

"R. Kelly, I have this great idea. your pedo-pissing video didnt work out that well. shame. But I've got an idea for you, now sit down, because you'll just want to jump right back up. how about an opera? A very long, very stupid, repetitive opera. There will be only one loop of music and just get really drunk and say whatever you can imagine. we'll make millions. The nine year olds will be flocking to you."

once i heard "shit, think. Shit, think. shit, think." i started dying. I say we have a new drinking game. Whenever R. Kelly says 'bitch' in this little ditty of his, you take a shot. we'll be drunk before part six.

now im lost...i've been writing this and I stopped paying attention... someone else is comign upstairs and its some chick...he's evidently going to shoot everyone if they dont talk. R. KELLY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IM SO CONFUSED! STAY IN THE CLOSET.

...i think i may download all of it. Im really getting a kick out of this. Notice i said download. for free. and not give him any money.

Chuck just came in. this bitch is really sleepin with lotsa guys here..*takes a shot*

SantaClaus Pwnage.

It's becoming an annual celebration for me and Ryan to harass the shit out of the SantaClaus IMbot. For those who dont know what it is, it's an automated Instant Messenger name of Santa where kids can IM santa and tell him what they want, blah blah blah. Well, it's fun to make it say inappropriate things.

Vedder4prez7 is my other screenname..evidently, Im still blocked from last year LOL

Warning: the follow is pretty explicit. merry fuckin christmas!

InfiniteDivinity (11:26:53 PM): Santa, please insert your candy cane into my chocolate roll.
SantaClaus (11:26:53 PM): Chocolates make great last minute gifts.











InfiniteDivinity (11:33:21 PM): I want to break you off real deep Santa.
SantaClaus (11:33:21 PM): I've noted it. Anything else?











Vedder4Prez7: ass

SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites.
A lump of coal for you.
Vedder4Prez7: sorry shithead
SantaClaus: It's O.K. I'll give you another chance.









Vedder4Prez7: santa. eat my hole.

SantaClaus: Talk to me.













InfiniteDivinity (11:38:41 PM): I want to rape you really hard and make you feel real pain.
SantaClaus (11:38:41 PM): Oh my! I might be able to help out there.















InfiniteDivinity (11:40:35 PM): I WANT YOU IN MY BED.
SantaClaus (11:40:35 PM): You keep doing the same thing. Over and over. I get it already. I see everything, you know It's possible that's all I'm gonna say on the subject.





















Vedder4Prez7: santa. make me a woman.

SantaClaus: Hey -- Don't make me I'll come over there. . Its a joke. I am coming on Christmas eve.















Vedder4Prez7: do you like it up the butt?

SantaClaus: What do you think?

Vedder4Prez7: yes.

SantaClaus: Mm hm.











InfiniteDivinity (11:42:09 PM): I'm here for you Santa, whenever you want me. I'm dressed very sexily, with a ribbon on my "candy cane."
SantaClaus (11:42:09 PM): Hey, I've got a billion children to keep track of.











Vedder4Prez7: i heard you are banging Mrs. Claus' hot sister Linda. is that true?

SantaClaus: Do you think so?

Vedder4Prez7: yeah

SantaClaus: Without a doubt?

Vedder4Prez7: yup

SantaClaus: Yes!!

Vedder4Prez7: GOOD FOR YOU!

SantaClaus: Ho, ho then.










Vedder4Prez7: im jewish

SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:

What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??

Vedder4Prez7: tooshka

SantaClaus: Its Shin! Remember -- a dreidel has for sides -- on four each word in the phrase "nes gadol haya sham" (a great miracle happened there).