I neglect my readers like an adopted child...

...and I will continue to neglect you for a few more days because that whole Community College thing is holding me back.

So, get back in your closet and don't come out until I tell you dinner is ready.

Don't make me get the broom.

Womyn, go cook me up a Hungy Myn Dinner.

What Not to Do in a Womyn Classroom

- Do not ask why a feminist always looks so tired all the time.
- Do not offer lipstick in a friendly gesture.
- Do not ring a bell and shout, "laundry's done!"
- Do not claim you are a caterer by profession. This may cause dilemma.
- Do not giggle when a womyn claims the weather interfered with her driving.
- Do not smile and say, "Aw! That's an adorable question!"
- Do not bleach your hair and ask if it looks natural enough.
- Do not promote oral sex as a relationship-saver.
- Do not interupt a womyn speaker. That is her own job.
- Do not suggest a "sammich" as a problem solving technique.
- Do not ask if she made that shirt.
- Do not talk about how cute your bra is today.
- Do not ask why it's really necessary to own a dishwasher.
- Do not claim Ovid knew where it at.
- Do not say, "HERstory? I don't know...he did do all the work..."
- Do not smile when a womyn misspells the word "chauvinistic."
-Do not make a do not list when a womyn professer is merely a glance away from your notebook where you should be taking notes on literature.

I refuse you, Ad.

I hate ads, but if it is a niecely pieced together work of art, I can give respect. I may EVEN give it some consideration. "Well, clearly you were written by an intelligent marketer. I am tempted to click you."

What really burns my ass is an advertisement that is thrown together in about forty five seconds, give or take forty seconds. I found a nice example today:



So we have a butterface chick lazing on the floor with her barefeet in the air. Obviously, she's just too busy to go to a real college because she wants to lay there and watch porn all day. Fine. I guess I can understand the relevance. I won't go crazy on this.

However, the grammar is just baffling. It's not "can't quit YOUR job," but "can't quit job?"


Want go college, job no quit? Need pretend smart, no leave Arbys? Maybe impress girl, make parents cry? Buy fake degree, still work Arbys? I could go on.

Every time I look back at it, I can just hear Dong from Sixteen Candles reciting it.




Maybe I should look for a job in this field. At least I can write full sentences.

Want write ad, no have experience? Not problem!

Windows Media Player - bottle of whiskey not included.

My boyfriend is currently in San Antonio building a dark ride. Yeah, we've all done that once or twice in our lives. But anyhoo, I'm feeling a little down about not seeing him for a week now (and a week to come), so I decide to screw around online a bit and listen to some tunes to cheer me up.

So, I click open my music player and I experience the worst selection offered to a sad girl. to make this entry more interesting, let's say I'm actually conversing with said player.

Toni: Hey, MP. WHat's shakin?

MP: ah, not too much. I've got this itch that's been killin me, and my wife's a fuckin joke, lemme tell ya -

Toni: Ah, not today, man. No offense or nothing, but I need a good pick me up. Whatcha got for me on shuffle today?

MP: Oh, I got just the thing.




Toni: ....Woah, wait. what the fuck, dude?

MP: WHat?

Toni: Come on. I need to cheer up. You put on "Wave Goodbye?" What kind of shit is that? In fact, I told Steve I would avoid Chris Cornell music while he was gone. not cool, man.

MP: Shit, sorry. Okay, got somethin else for ya. Gaurunteed smiles with this one.



Toni: Oh dude. No.

MP: ...dude, are you crying?

Toni: NO! I just....man, what the fuck? Did you really just give me Portishead?

MP: ....you love Portishead.

Toni: yeah, but my boyfriend is thousands of miles away and you tell me Portishead's "Wandering Star" is going to cheer me up? This is bullshit. I'm turning you off now...

MP: No! Give me one more chance! I've got the sure thing to blow so much sunshine up your ass you'll be smiling on your way to a funeral.

Toni:....That's....that's terrible. But whatever, just play it.



Toni: *bust out sobbing* you fuckin asshole.

MP: WHAT?! Are you ever satisfied? Jesus...how does Steve put up with you?

Toni: Have you even listened to these songs?!

MP: ....no.

Toni:....what? your a fucking media player.

MP: ...I'm deaf.

Toni: .....oh. I'm sorry, dude.

MP: No, it's fine....*sigh* too late for apologies now...

Toni: No, dude. I didn't know. I just assumed that media players could..ya know, hear the shit they play.

MP: If you ever talked to me once in awhile and asked me about my problems. It's always about you. Blah blah blah, I miss Steve, play something nice. Blah blah blah, my period cramps hurt, play Nine Inch Nails. Blah blah, I'm in a freaky mood, play Tom Jones...

Toni: Oh, one time! One time I ask you to play "Sex Bomb!"


....okay, so maybe that arguement didn't happen. and the Tom Jones. and the whole conversation. But my media player did play those songs and it proved to be the most inconsiderate asshole in the world.

So, the moral of the story is I miss Steve and can't listen to sad music. I take a small bow.

The Real Poughkeepsie Tapes

I'm back with a silly video I made. Isn't that the best gift of all?

I present to you The Real Poughkeepsie Tapes. I show you what Poughkeepsie is really all about.

Watch after the credits for a special bonus clip.

I come bearing nothing.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I just haven't been funny these past few days. I'll be back on track in a bit. In the meantime, enjoy the company of my friend and his little buddy: Shy Cop.

A very merry xmas beer.

One of my fantastic gifts from my boyfriend Steve was a four pack of Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter beer. The name just rolls off the tongue for syllables and syllables. Anyhoo, being a huge fan of Mr. Thompson and Mr. Steadman, I figured I would deeply enjoy a tribute beer. Let's see how the website describes it:



Hmm. Sounds a bit strong for my tastes, but let's give it a whirl.

I take a sip in what appears to be a glamorous pose:




and my immediate reaction:






Holy mother of god. It tastes like it was drained out of a garbage can. Now, I understand that the beer was warm and that makes a huge difference, but even an ice bucket and an eskimo's ass aren't going to make this beer taste any better.

I wish I had taken a picture, but when I poured out what was remaining in the bottle (I got about halfway through and determined that my life was at risk) the beer had the consistency of vinegar. I drank a few glasses of wine (give or take five or six) and washed that taste out.

At least the bottle looks awesome though, right? Hats off to you, Ralph, for making such a sweet label for a bitter beer.

Merry christmas to everyone and enjoy your holidays!

SantaClaus has had it too good for too long.

Harassing the Santaclaus IMbot has become an annual holiday event for Ryan and myself. Here are the highlights of the conversations that once again led to getting the ban-boot from AOL.



SuperNova12787: Hi santa!

[01:31] santaclaus: Hey. Its you again. You spreading that Christmas spirit? :-)

[01:31] SuperNova12787: yup, just like I spread my legs for you

[01:31] santaclaus: Excellent! You are certainly getting on my Good List.







InfiniteDivinity (1:33:59 AM): Do you and the elves have sex?

SantaClaus (1:33:59 AM): Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.

InfiniteDivinity (1:34:08 AM): So the sex is lumpy?

SantaClaus (1:34:08 AM): I can't talk about that with you. Elves are here.





InfiniteDivinity (1:36:17 AM): Santa, will you eat my cornhole?

SantaClaus (1:36:17 AM): That's the name. Christmas, the game.

InfiniteDivinity (1:36:47 AM): That doesn't quite answer my question.

SantaClaus (1:36:47 AM):

The elves say, 'Make me'.

;-)

InfiniteDivinity (1:37:06 AM): Oh, those elves, they're so darn kinky...

SantaClaus (1:37:06 AM): I've got all I can handle.





santaclaus: Have you done any good deeds yet this holiday season?

[01:38] SuperNova12787: yes I ate an orphan

[01:38] santaclaus: Excellent! That makes me so happy! Just wanted to be sure you were on it!




InfiniteDivinity (1:40:05 AM): Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

SantaClaus (1:40:05 AM): Do you?




SuperNova12787: why don't you take your Christmas spirit and shove it so far up your pooper that you'll be crapping out tinsel for the next two years?

[01:40] santaclaus: That's simply too much for me



SuperNova12787: ever smoke a bowl with the elves?

[01:41] santaclaus: Love them.



[01:42] SuperNova12787: cursed too much, im on the bad list :(

santaclaus: OK, you're back. But please try to control yourself. Type main.



[01:42] SuperNova12787: Okay sorry asshole

[01:42] santaclaus: OK. Merry Christmas.




InfiniteDivinity (1:43:06 AM): Santa, you make me wet

SantaClaus (1:43:06 AM): No.



InfiniteDivinity (1:47:51 AM): Santa, I'm dripping wet in my vajayjay.

SantaClaus (1:47:52 AM): Yes?

InfiniteDivinity (1:47:54 AM): Yes...

SantaClaus (1:47:54 AM): Mm hm.

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:01 AM): Oh yeah... all for you.

SantaClaus (1:48:01 AM): Excuse me?

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:09 AM): I want you inside me.

SantaClaus (1:48:09 AM): You got it! That's great!




santaclaus: Oh dear? What's the problem?

SuperNova12787: your being a douchebag, is all! jesus!

[01:49] santaclaus: The elves suggest the following stores for Clothing:



Jesus/Douche Bag Jr. Jersey T-Shirt $29.99 - In stock

Store: CafePress.com





: InfiniteDivinity (1:50:01 AM): Santa, I have AIDS.

SantaClaus (1:50:01 AM): You've got him.





[01:51] SuperNova12787: [01:51] SuperNova12787: My father is paralyzed.

[01:51] santaclaus: Why did you say that?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: ...because he doesn't walk.

[01:51] santaclaus: Because, why?



01:51] SuperNova12787: he can't move his legs, Santa!

[01:51] santaclaus: Can I ask YOU something?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: What?

[01:51] santaclaus: Which color are you more partial to? You know, like if it were clothing or something.

Someone asked to find out for them. :-)

1 -- Black

2 -- White

3 -- Rose

4 -- Beige

[01:51] SuperNova12787: THAT'S IRRELEVANT!

[01:51] santaclaus: Oh well. Never mind then.









InfiniteDivinity (1:56:12 AM): I took a dump on a stray cat today.

SantaClaus (1:56:13 AM): You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.

Recycled Robots

This is Wall-E from a new Pixar movie coming out. Ain't he cute?




This is Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. Ain't he cute too?




Did someone from Pixar step outside and see a garbage bin with Johnny 5's remains and make a midget replica of him? What's the deal here?

Wall-E, you have become my own little nemesis, you robot fuck.

Bring it back to early 2006...

As promised, but a day late, is my first ever comedy blog that became nothing but a faded memory when I deleted my first blog. So, for your enjoyment (and your mom's), here is a classic fable for the ages.


It was a cold, stormy night. Nobody was home and I had once again fallen asleep with the remote control on my head.



I find it a comfort zone, really.


Suddenly, I heard a loud CLACK CLACK CLACK.



I peered to the left, even though the sound was diretly behind me. I could see nothing out of the ordinary. So I shrugged and made an apathetic face.



See. It's sort of apathetic. I shouldn't show that much concern...anyway...

Something told me that there was someone or something here. I knew that I should investigate or just simply turn around. I did the most logical thing -





CLACK CLACK CLACK.

Okay, something was really disturbing my sleep and it's starting to get personal.




I slowly pulled myself up to peer over the chair. My heart began beating faster. Now I was worried. Seriously, no more sarcasm. This was some scary shit.
I stared at the bar in the corner of the living room and noticed a mysterious presence...




I was too far away to make out what exactly was perched on my bar. I squinted my eyes and in an instant, I knew immediately what it was....




(I was so shocked that I took a cute Myspace angles pic to cherish and possibly get some comments on.)

I knew what it was now. Oh god, why? Why in my town? Why in my house? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!!!