Sunday, March 23, 2008

Why even bother?

I went to see George Carlin last week. It was my first time having the opportunity to see Carlin and I had never been so excited.

Then I find out I'm in the fourth row seats. Now I'm crapping my pants in delight.

George Carlin steps out on the stage and I say "wow. this is a historic moment for me. My comedic hero is only feet away from me and this may be my last chance to ever see him perform."

I must take a picture and document this joyous occasion, but I didn't bring a camera, assuming they're not allowed! Alas! I have a cell phone camera to save the day!


Eh...there is he. George Carlin. He always had such a wonderful facial structure. I think this picture really brings it out, doesn't it?

In closing:
fuck cell phone cameras.

Monday, March 17, 2008


I love cute irony.


The empty baskets of "peasant bread" made this picture so valuable to me that I didn't care that a price chopper employee stared me down while I smiled at the display.

But beyond the cuteness, my question is:

what the holy fuck is peasant bread?

It's defined by as:

A term that traditionally referred to a type of bread prepared by rural peasants and used as an everyday bread. The breads usually contained simple ingredients and were often made with whole-grains. The type of bread made depended on the types of grains that were readily available or were commonly grown in a particular region. Peasant breads were often shaped into rounds or rectangles and baked as hearth breads or in community ovens, since home ovens would not have been common. Today, the term still refers to rustic breads made with simple ingredients and although some loaves are still baked the old-fashioned way using open fireplaces or large brick ovens, most are baked in modern, conventional ovens. Peasant breads often feature a thick, crusty exterior and a hearty, flavorful crumb.

and it looks like this (you've seen it)


Okay, fine. I'm down with that. But "hearty"? "flavorful"? am I really supposed to believe that peasant food was either of those adjectives?! The most sophisticated way I could desrcibe what the peasants ate is "doo-doo." I'll take a loaf of Wonder bread over peasant scraps.

Call me fickle, but I wouldn't touch something that is named after a people who suffered the plague.

I kind of want to go back to price chopper and say "hey, I noticed you're out of peasant bread. Any chance that you still have some Proletariat Pound Cake in the back? that'd be marvelous..."

Friday, March 14, 2008

Steve shows you how to rock.

I filmed Steve playing My Last Serenade and a little somethin-somethin he whipped up. I feel like exploiting his talents, so enjoy:

If you're a fan of Killswitch Engage, click here:

If you're a fan of rediculous drum solos, click here:

Notice the overly encouraging "YEAH!!" at the end of the drum solo. That's what girlfriends are for, I suppose.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

AOL - Killin' your buzz since 1985


Seriously. Why ya gotta be like that?

This part of the article is my favorite:

"Called nicknames like Sally-D, Magic Mint and Diviner's Sage, salvia is a hallucinogen that gives users an out-of-body sense of traveling through time and space or merging with inanimate objects. Unlike hallucinogens like LSD or PCP, however, salvia's effects last for a shorter time, generally up to an hour.

It is not the same as the ornamental garden plant known as Salvia."

Now I won't lie. I've never tried salvia and I doubt I ever will (especially after reading how AOL describes it. Far out, man.) , but I have more than enough friends who knew better than to smoke the plant growing in mom's little garden by the front porch.

C'mon AOL. Lighten up and try some of that Sally-D, if you please.

Thursday, March 6, 2008


Thanks to Phoenix Wright, I now think of all of my personal funny situations where I'd like to yell:


For example, an old lady heard me fart. yes. women fart. more than you think. In fact, we're so good at it you'd never know. That was an off day for me. But I digress...

an old lady heard me fart. She stared at me as she passed by with that disgusted look. She's just jealous my digestive system is working properly. As she grimaced at me, I had a powerful urge to turn around, point wildly in her face, and yell:


It would have been beautiful.

Sometimes, I'll overhear a disgusting conversation between two teenage girls about their gritty sex lives. Like:

Brittany 1: I totally went down.
Brittany 2: no way.
Brittany 1: Swear to god. I was really nervous and I knew he hadn't showered for four days but it was cool...
Brittany 2: No way!
Brittany 1: you won't believe what he did to me...
Toni: Photobucket

*point finger* Nobody wants to hear about your filty boyfriend and your humilating stories, you beastly whore!

Ah, I could think of a million of situations where it would fit.

and if I could have the music playing while I did it. Oh my god. I would never want to end this life. I'd be an immortal walking this earth with the sole purpose of yelling:


while this played boisterously in the background:

In fact, re-read this blog with the music playing along. It will empower you.

This is why the internet was created.

(An email between me and my brother)

-----Original Message-----
From: -pete-
To: -toni-
Sent: Thu, 6 Mar 2008 3:51 pm

Subject: t

it's the letter that looks like a man wearing a hat.

Re: t
From: -toni-
To: -pete-
Date: Thu, 6 Mar 2008 11:26 pm

...I see the hat. I don't see the man.


B is totally a butt with disproportionate ass cheeks.