Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Epic Battle Finally Ends...

For about a week now, there has been a showdown between me and a spider in the bathroom. Let me explain:

Last Monday, I noticed a big daddy long legs in the corner of the bathroom by the door. I ignored it, hoping it would go away. It did not.

By Wednesday, it was in a different corner of the bathroom, not one that could block my getaway when I attempted to kill it. So, I sprayed it with a water bottle (look, I can't get close enough to hit it with a book or something. i don't have the balls for that kinda thing.) and it jumped around and shit, but I thought it would die. I went to bed that night happily, knowing that the spider was no longer a menace to my bathroom.

Thursday it disappeared. Friday it disappeared. But Saturday it was in the corner by the door again. First off - it survived a harsh misting. Secondly - where did it go for two days?! Did it go on a vacation?! Did it say "Weeellll, I think I need to get away from this place, it's stressing me out. maybe I'll go check out the Carribean Islands, that'd be a nice get away for awhile!" Then it came back for the daily grind. in my bathroom.

It was there yesterday, just mocking me in the corner still, threatening to fall onto my head as soon as I pass under the door every time. But last night it disappeared. I started to get very angry.

Tonight, as I brushed my teeth a few minutes ago, I noticed it was not in the corner still. Maybe it went to go check out Orlando, Florida this time around. Then I saw it fall from the towel next to me. I jumped back and stared at it angrily for a few minutes. What the fuck? Did it honestly just jump out and try to scare me? Like "hah, bitch! that's for misting me some days back. Laater..." and it started to head back up to the corner of the bathroom.

Well tonight was the night. I grabbed the spray bottle and shot that fucker down off the wall and sprayed him with water until he was motionless. No, I still didnt have the courage to just squash him with something. This was like one of those dramatic shooting scenes from an action movie, only with a bottle shooting a fine mist.

As I walked away, the fucker started moving again. this is a fucking terminator spider. I threw a towel on him and stomped on it. I had enough.

Now the towel is still laying on the floor in the bathroom. I did not pick it up. I'll let someone else deal with the corpse. Now, if there is nothing under there, then I swear I'm going to throw a molotov cocktail in that bathroom. Or completely re-enact 300.

Spider: This is madness!

Toni: Madness? THIS IS MY RESIDENCE!!! *flick the spider across the room*

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Whatcha makin, mom? Aww, botulism again?!

Today, I heard from the news that Castleberry is recalling over 90 products due to hospitalizations and the occurance of botulism.

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We shop for only the finest in our house.

Since I already have it in my presence, I'm wondering of all the wonderous things I could do with this lil can of colon paralysis...

My best idea so far has been that I could throw an "I apologize and lets be friends!!" party for all the people I dislike and serve hot dogs and chili....

Thursday, July 19, 2007

May I buy a very apparent vowel?

I'm in the empty bedroom, which used to be mine, and I go through some drawers I never really cleaned out. I find some really random old stuff like bad books, a magazine I took from Trading Post (greatest store ever), and this bad motherfucker.

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Oh yeah, a BIGASS Tiger Handheld of Wheel of Fortune straight outta 1995, bitches. (I also found a 1991 Bart vs. The Space Mutants handheld, but it's not as funny as this.)

So, first let me say that I used to love that thing when I was a kid. Until I played it so many times I ran outta categories. Like, you were supposed to buy new little cartridges with different answers. Well, fuck that. I was happy answering the same 50 something answers. I saved mommy and daddy some cash!

I'm trying to picture myself as an eight year old holding that massive thing. Must been the size of my head. Tiger handhelds were usually cute and portable. This thing would have to be smuggled in a tote bag or some shit...

Now I find this to be pretty funny:

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The vowel buttons are actually color coded. (Sorry for the poor phone camera quality, my real camera kicked the bucket). when I was eight, I knew what a vowel was. Is that totally necessary? Playing it yesterday, I felt kinda stupid. Like "well, my eyes seem to be completely distracted by the bright blue vowel menace on this handheld. I can't concentrate on the other letters, so screw it. I'm buyin a fuckin vowel!"

Now, here is where the funny part kicks in. This thing has been sitting in a drawer for over 10 years. I figured it would work as well as the day I bought it. Well...let's see what happens when I push the "category" button:

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Okay, so our category is "ZDI EUB AI XGEPWXGFLV" Well, I don't remember this as a child. Perhaps this is the Russian translation. Well, I attempt to carry on anyhow. Unfortunately, I did not take a picture of the answer, but it was another mess of random letters.

The next puzzle's category is PLACES. okay! Now we're getting words! So, i start playing and I'm the type that if I have a decent amount of money, I will try to buy all the vowels at once and get it over with. It's kinda silly because you can save money by guessing vowels later, but it just makes it quicker. So, I won big money on two turns and decided to buy all the vowels. But there's a problem:

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Okay, so there are no vowels in this puzzle. Not one. It's ALL consonants.

Fuck that. New puzzle.

So, i get another gibberish category and I play through, and then laugh my ass off when the answer shines through

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Okay, so Whoopi Goldberg is under the category NIFDGIOFDSGS. That's nice.

Well, after that I just put ti away to fuck itself over for another decade. Maybe it will start to tell me premonitions and tales of the oncoming peace and unity of nations and the cooperation of fellow man.

Either that or it'll throw Russian at me again.

Now I take a small bow and leave on this note - have a great weekend, everyone!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

My Fantasy Celebrity Plane Crash. Enjoy!

In a previous blog, I mentioned my "fantasy celebrity plane crash." Well, since I have nothing to do on this boring wednesday night, I thought I'd make it complete. Feel free to make your own! (Disclaimer - I really wish no harm upon these annoying insects we call celebrities. It's all in good fun, so no bitching.)

To start things off, we need someone I hate the most to fly this fucker.

My pilot:

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Amy Lee. and I hope this plane does a nose dive because she better not limp away. I can't explain my hatred for Evanescence. Maybe it's the bad Hot Topic outfits, the exaggeration of her talent, or just the new awful pop/rock/metal scene, but she's flying this plane right into the ocean.

My co-pilot:

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Scott Stapp. I used to think he was pretty hot. A total pompous ass, but hot. Then I just grew tired of him and his band. The first album was really something to admire. Then the second one proved that Tremonti plays one riff and Stapp drinks too much. Then the third album was one worthy of chucking into traffic. But besides the bad music - after seeing his sex tape, where he announces "it's good to be the king" while getting a blowjob (in the same room as Kid Rock, which is just a weeeee bit gay), I made sure he'd ride right beside my favorite queen of the fake goth scene.

My male flight attendant:

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If you know me, you already know how much I fucking hate this man. on this fantasy plane, there will be no seatbelts for the flight attendants. and before he gets on the plane, George Carlin will kick him square in the balls. Just because he's George Carlin and he can do whatever the fuck he wants.

My female flight attendant:

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Yeah, maybe Rosie is an easy target, but if I see her tubby face one more time on the news, I'm going to buy her this plane ticket personally. I don't care about her. Stop airing her. It's annoying.

So, now that we have a tiny crew, I think it's time to list the passengers. Remember, if you see somebody you like and you think "aww, Toni, that's not cool! They're awesome!" I really don't care. Make your own fantasy plane crash and make me pilot, it'll be funny.

The passengers:

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I need not say anything.

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Not the actors, but the characters. I have no beef with Emilio Estevez.

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I can dig Rob Zombie, but somone needs to punch wifey in the face. She's pretty annoying.

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Uwe Boll is just a jerk and makes bad movies.

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Ann Coulter is a necessity to this trip to the bottom of the ocean.

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Her and Amy Lee must shop in the same store they're endorsed by.

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Anchorman was hilarious. Every movie following Anchorman that had the same exact humor as Anchorman starring Will Ferrel as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman was fucking terrible. No more bad movies. No more.

and bring your ugly friend with you.

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Napoleon Dynamite wasn't funny at all. Will and Jon have something in common - they've played out the one character they excelled in. so go away.

That's all I can think of right at the moment...

maybe I'll add a few more later.

So the plane crashes and the world is safe from bad movies, comedians, and music once again. oh and a really annoying crazy Republican.