Tuesday, December 19, 2006

SantaClaus Pwnage.

It's becoming an annual celebration for me and Ryan to harass the shit out of the SantaClaus IMbot. For those who dont know what it is, it's an automated Instant Messenger name of Santa where kids can IM santa and tell him what they want, blah blah blah. Well, it's fun to make it say inappropriate things.

Vedder4prez7 is my other screenname..evidently, Im still blocked from last year LOL

Warning: the follow is pretty explicit. merry fuckin christmas!

InfiniteDivinity (11:26:53 PM): Santa, please insert your candy cane into my chocolate roll.
SantaClaus (11:26:53 PM): Chocolates make great last minute gifts.

InfiniteDivinity (11:33:21 PM): I want to break you off real deep Santa.
SantaClaus (11:33:21 PM): I've noted it. Anything else?

Vedder4Prez7: ass

SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites.
A lump of coal for you.
Vedder4Prez7: sorry shithead
SantaClaus: It's O.K. I'll give you another chance.

Vedder4Prez7: santa. eat my hole.

SantaClaus: Talk to me.

InfiniteDivinity (11:38:41 PM): I want to rape you really hard and make you feel real pain.
SantaClaus (11:38:41 PM): Oh my! I might be able to help out there.

InfiniteDivinity (11:40:35 PM): I WANT YOU IN MY BED.
SantaClaus (11:40:35 PM): You keep doing the same thing. Over and over. I get it already. I see everything, you know It's possible that's all I'm gonna say on the subject.

Vedder4Prez7: santa. make me a woman.

SantaClaus: Hey -- Don't make me I'll come over there. . Its a joke. I am coming on Christmas eve.

Vedder4Prez7: do you like it up the butt?

SantaClaus: What do you think?

Vedder4Prez7: yes.

SantaClaus: Mm hm.

InfiniteDivinity (11:42:09 PM): I'm here for you Santa, whenever you want me. I'm dressed very sexily, with a ribbon on my "candy cane."
SantaClaus (11:42:09 PM): Hey, I've got a billion children to keep track of.

Vedder4Prez7: i heard you are banging Mrs. Claus' hot sister Linda. is that true?

SantaClaus: Do you think so?

Vedder4Prez7: yeah

SantaClaus: Without a doubt?

Vedder4Prez7: yup

SantaClaus: Yes!!

Vedder4Prez7: GOOD FOR YOU!

SantaClaus: Ho, ho then.

Vedder4Prez7: im jewish

SantaClaus: Cool. OK, let's see if you can complete this Hanukka quiz:

What comes next in this holiday-oriented sequence? nun, gimel, heh ??

Vedder4Prez7: tooshka

SantaClaus: Its Shin! Remember -- a dreidel has for sides -- on four each word in the phrase "nes gadol haya sham" (a great miracle happened there).

Monday, December 11, 2006

Fuck Olmek

Who knew that giving a ten pound cat a quick bath would be one of the biggest challenges of my life.

Fuck Olmek's Temple. Just throw someone Vincent Vega and a showerhead and let the comedy ensue.

Okay. I walked in to a clean bathroom, in tidy clothes, nice hair, and a few towels. and Vincent Vega of course.

I came out drenched in water from falling in the tub, scratches all over my arm, wild & rediculous hair, and a bathroom splashed with water, soap, and cat hair everywhere (that was when the cat jumped over me and ran circles around the bathroom looking for an escape). Oh, and apparently I stepped on my cell phone holder while getting out of the tub (the cell phone luckily landed on the bathroom rug).

From now on, if the cat is in dire need of a bath like he was today, he's just gonna have to be a grungy little kitty. I'll change his name to Pigpen or Seattle or something.

ah...who am I kidding. I'll never neglect that feline bastard....im going in with fuckin scuba gear next time though.

Friday, December 1, 2006

Colossal Fruit Loops: The Epic Adventure Part Two

I recieved this email today:

Ms. O----,

Thank you for contacting us concerning the puzzles on the box. We appreciate
your interest in our company and products.

Our company's goal is to provide consumers with wholesome, high-quality
products. One area of great importance is packaging. We continually evaluate our
package designs to accommodate the needs of our many different consumers.

Consumer satisfaction continues to be our primary objective. Therefore, we are
forwarding your concerns to the appropriate company officials so they may
consider your comments when planning future packaging changes.

It was good of you to take the time to share your views about our packaging.
Your comments will help us continue to achieve our goal of providing you with
great-tasting and high quality products.


Yesenia Sanchez
Consumer Affairs Department

HAHA! Victory shall be mine. My response to them was quick, but thorough:

Dear Yesenia,

Thank you for taking the time to help resolve this issue. I'm sure I speak for many of the other puzzle-lovers when I say that I appreaciate your evaluation of the puzzle. It truly was mind-boggling to say the least. I was considering converting to General Mills cereals for their puzzles, but I have the upmost confidence in Kellogs. Thank you.


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Colossal Fruit Loops: An Epic Adventure

So, I'm eating some Colossal Fruit Loops and every time I have a kid's cereal I do the puzzle on the back. It's mandatory. So, I start this one and within three minutes I'm fucking clueless on what to do. It was a true outrage and crime against society.
So I gave Kellog's a piece of my mind. I wrote them a message through their website:

Dear sirs,
I am nineteen years old and enjoy puzzles on the back of your cereal boxes. They are always delightful and fun and make me feel a tad bit smarter. Needless to say I am a community college student. But this particular puzzle on the back of my Colossal Fruit Loops is just too much. I could hardly figure it out myself...in fact, I made an error in pen, therefore cannot complete it. I feel unaccomplished and ashamed. Now imagine how a child would feel if he could not complete the colossal fruit loop. I don't expect anything more than an apology and the promise that the future puzzles will be easier.

I will keep you updated on any response. We will fight this wrong together.

Monday, November 6, 2006

An Inspirational Quote of the Day:

(sitting in the car with my father, he says the phrase "shits and giggles." Immediately after...)

dad: ...I hate that phrase. Who the fuck shits and giggles at the same time? I sure as hell don't.

~This has been your inspirational quote for the day~

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Amazon.com's Unwanted Products: Part Two

Yeah. remember the lesson from the last entry? to clear out your Cookies? I clearly did not learn it.

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Goddamnit, why are anal products still so funny...I'm partial to the cameo of Shock Treatment in this.

I think we should have a contest for funniest screen capture from Amazon.com...that'd be neat

Sunday, September 24, 2006

I don't want that, Amazon.com! Let me be!

I was on www.thesneeze.com and I saw his little ad for Amazon and it had an anal douche on it with a caption that said "make it sparkle!" I thought that was relatively funny so I clicked it. I wanted to fully comphrend the use of an anal douche. It was as funny as expected.
So I exit amazon and about an hour later I go back on to look up a price on a CD and now this is on my main page:

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Maybe Im just immature..but I nearly peed myself when seeing THAT as the first thing on Amazon.com. I like the percentages too. The home enema bag is quite popular!!
I actually considered browsing to see if there was actually a used section, but I might not be able to handle it.
The lesson today: always remember to clear out Cookies on the computer. Otherwise you might be staring point blank down the barrel of an anal douche bulb.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I wish that the Burger King mask was not sold anywhere and that I could get through this halloween without worrying about marissa or bill chasing me or hovering over my bed with the mask on and a knife in their hand or something.

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and Jambi...if I could have one more wish, could you not be so flamboyant and gay?
"only one wish a day, Toni."