A very merry xmas beer.

One of my fantastic gifts from my boyfriend Steve was a four pack of Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter beer. The name just rolls off the tongue for syllables and syllables. Anyhoo, being a huge fan of Mr. Thompson and Mr. Steadman, I figured I would deeply enjoy a tribute beer. Let's see how the website describes it:



Hmm. Sounds a bit strong for my tastes, but let's give it a whirl.

I take a sip in what appears to be a glamorous pose:




and my immediate reaction:






Holy mother of god. It tastes like it was drained out of a garbage can. Now, I understand that the beer was warm and that makes a huge difference, but even an ice bucket and an eskimo's ass aren't going to make this beer taste any better.

I wish I had taken a picture, but when I poured out what was remaining in the bottle (I got about halfway through and determined that my life was at risk) the beer had the consistency of vinegar. I drank a few glasses of wine (give or take five or six) and washed that taste out.

At least the bottle looks awesome though, right? Hats off to you, Ralph, for making such a sweet label for a bitter beer.

Merry christmas to everyone and enjoy your holidays!

SantaClaus has had it too good for too long.

Harassing the Santaclaus IMbot has become an annual holiday event for Ryan and myself. Here are the highlights of the conversations that once again led to getting the ban-boot from AOL.



SuperNova12787: Hi santa!

[01:31] santaclaus: Hey. Its you again. You spreading that Christmas spirit? :-)

[01:31] SuperNova12787: yup, just like I spread my legs for you

[01:31] santaclaus: Excellent! You are certainly getting on my Good List.







InfiniteDivinity (1:33:59 AM): Do you and the elves have sex?

SantaClaus (1:33:59 AM): Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.

InfiniteDivinity (1:34:08 AM): So the sex is lumpy?

SantaClaus (1:34:08 AM): I can't talk about that with you. Elves are here.





InfiniteDivinity (1:36:17 AM): Santa, will you eat my cornhole?

SantaClaus (1:36:17 AM): That's the name. Christmas, the game.

InfiniteDivinity (1:36:47 AM): That doesn't quite answer my question.

SantaClaus (1:36:47 AM):

The elves say, 'Make me'.

;-)

InfiniteDivinity (1:37:06 AM): Oh, those elves, they're so darn kinky...

SantaClaus (1:37:06 AM): I've got all I can handle.





santaclaus: Have you done any good deeds yet this holiday season?

[01:38] SuperNova12787: yes I ate an orphan

[01:38] santaclaus: Excellent! That makes me so happy! Just wanted to be sure you were on it!




InfiniteDivinity (1:40:05 AM): Why do you close your eyes when we make love?

SantaClaus (1:40:05 AM): Do you?




SuperNova12787: why don't you take your Christmas spirit and shove it so far up your pooper that you'll be crapping out tinsel for the next two years?

[01:40] santaclaus: That's simply too much for me



SuperNova12787: ever smoke a bowl with the elves?

[01:41] santaclaus: Love them.



[01:42] SuperNova12787: cursed too much, im on the bad list :(

santaclaus: OK, you're back. But please try to control yourself. Type main.



[01:42] SuperNova12787: Okay sorry asshole

[01:42] santaclaus: OK. Merry Christmas.




InfiniteDivinity (1:43:06 AM): Santa, you make me wet

SantaClaus (1:43:06 AM): No.



InfiniteDivinity (1:47:51 AM): Santa, I'm dripping wet in my vajayjay.

SantaClaus (1:47:52 AM): Yes?

InfiniteDivinity (1:47:54 AM): Yes...

SantaClaus (1:47:54 AM): Mm hm.

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:01 AM): Oh yeah... all for you.

SantaClaus (1:48:01 AM): Excuse me?

InfiniteDivinity (1:48:09 AM): I want you inside me.

SantaClaus (1:48:09 AM): You got it! That's great!




santaclaus: Oh dear? What's the problem?

SuperNova12787: your being a douchebag, is all! jesus!

[01:49] santaclaus: The elves suggest the following stores for Clothing:



Jesus/Douche Bag Jr. Jersey T-Shirt $29.99 - In stock

Store: CafePress.com





: InfiniteDivinity (1:50:01 AM): Santa, I have AIDS.

SantaClaus (1:50:01 AM): You've got him.





[01:51] SuperNova12787: [01:51] SuperNova12787: My father is paralyzed.

[01:51] santaclaus: Why did you say that?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: ...because he doesn't walk.

[01:51] santaclaus: Because, why?



01:51] SuperNova12787: he can't move his legs, Santa!

[01:51] santaclaus: Can I ask YOU something?

[01:51] SuperNova12787: What?

[01:51] santaclaus: Which color are you more partial to? You know, like if it were clothing or something.

Someone asked to find out for them. :-)

1 -- Black

2 -- White

3 -- Rose

4 -- Beige

[01:51] SuperNova12787: THAT'S IRRELEVANT!

[01:51] santaclaus: Oh well. Never mind then.









InfiniteDivinity (1:56:12 AM): I took a dump on a stray cat today.

SantaClaus (1:56:13 AM): You see? Christmas can be full of miracles.

Recycled Robots

This is Wall-E from a new Pixar movie coming out. Ain't he cute?




This is Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. Ain't he cute too?




Did someone from Pixar step outside and see a garbage bin with Johnny 5's remains and make a midget replica of him? What's the deal here?

Wall-E, you have become my own little nemesis, you robot fuck.

Bring it back to early 2006...

As promised, but a day late, is my first ever comedy blog that became nothing but a faded memory when I deleted my first blog. So, for your enjoyment (and your mom's), here is a classic fable for the ages.


It was a cold, stormy night. Nobody was home and I had once again fallen asleep with the remote control on my head.



I find it a comfort zone, really.


Suddenly, I heard a loud CLACK CLACK CLACK.



I peered to the left, even though the sound was diretly behind me. I could see nothing out of the ordinary. So I shrugged and made an apathetic face.



See. It's sort of apathetic. I shouldn't show that much concern...anyway...

Something told me that there was someone or something here. I knew that I should investigate or just simply turn around. I did the most logical thing -





CLACK CLACK CLACK.

Okay, something was really disturbing my sleep and it's starting to get personal.




I slowly pulled myself up to peer over the chair. My heart began beating faster. Now I was worried. Seriously, no more sarcasm. This was some scary shit.
I stared at the bar in the corner of the living room and noticed a mysterious presence...




I was too far away to make out what exactly was perched on my bar. I squinted my eyes and in an instant, I knew immediately what it was....




(I was so shocked that I took a cute Myspace angles pic to cherish and possibly get some comments on.)

I knew what it was now. Oh god, why? Why in my town? Why in my house? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?!!!

You crazy kids and your shopping carts.

That's the most expensive hobo bag in the world! I thought those were usually free at Price Chopper.

I guess I don't understand fashion today. If I had known it was cool to walk around with hobo bags and shopping carts, I'd be sleeping on the concrete of the city right now. It's hip.




I know this wasn't much of an update, but I'm thinking tomorrow I'm going to re-post my first ever comedy entry from over a year ago (it vanished with my first blog I deleted). It involves a girl, a camera, and an idea only boredom could conjure up.

I trust these people to make my video games...

...not my toilet training films.

Stick this in your stocking.

(saw this in a gas station and thought I'd share.)

Now I understand how Santa makes it to every house in the world in one night.






I could too if I were jacked up on nose candy.

Dantel - He'll never be classic. ever.

Sometimes boredom leads to random adventures on Youtube (as you've seen in the previous blog) and somehow I came across a gameplay video of one of the funniest digitized fighter games I've ever seen.

It's called Survival Arts. I've never heard of it before this video. Let me say that I love the fact this kid actually slows done the cheesy fatality as a replay lol.



I watched a full gameplay video of it and it's obviously just a Mortal Kombat ripoff. There are funny moments here and there, but nothing really worthy of talking about.

Except the final boss. I want you to prepare yourself. There are bad video game moments and then there are destruction of a video game console moments. This one is leaning very close to the latter....





This is Dantel. He is your final boss in Survival Arts. Where did they find this actor? Was he waiting outside a Van Halen show kicking people in a drunken haze when they found their inspiration?

Who the hell wants to fight a guy named Dantel who looks like he just came home from a Dio concert? Wait until you see his cheap Halloween store costume:



WHere did he get that? It looks like he was trying out for Motley Crue or some shit.




wait. I'm gonna post this picture again because I just realized how funny that screenshot was:



He breathes fire. What a fuckin lameass. He doesn't know martial arts or any kind of art. He breathes fire. I want Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat to come over here and kick him in the nuts.


This is probably my favorite part. After you beat him, he doesn't explode violently or gush blood or even die for that matter.





Hitler and Mussolini heads fly out of his body. This is the best metaphor for evil they can come up with? Hitler heads? I don't know whether to laugh or cry in embarassment for the creators of this game...



Since I'm running out of time and need to go attend to other things besides strange youtube videos, I'm going to leave on this note:




Next time I have the chance, I'm going to look up Sam and see what he's done with himself since this game.

Rock on, Dantel. Rock on.

Come back to me, childhood horrors.

When I was about eight or nine years old, I remember going to an arcade and finding an arcade game that looked appealing. I put a quarter in and started to play. I picked a character who had a chainsaw and a mohawk.

I was eight, so needless to say I couldn't play for shit. The game opened and my character is immediately attacked by this big samurai. He uses his machete to hack me up into little bloody pieces. First, I lose my arm and continue to play. Then, he chopped off my fucking head.

I played for about five minutes and as an eight year old, all I can think is "OHMIGOD PARENTS AREN'T SEEING ME PLAY THIS IM AWESOME!" I couldn't have been happier.

That night, I stayed awake with all the lights and the TV on. and the next night. I just waited for that samurai to come in and cut my limbs off. Never had I been so traumatized by a video game in my life. What's funny is I played Mortal Kombat all the time and it didn't bother me as much as this did.

Years later I'm trying to tell people about the video game (I could never remember the name) and they look at me like I'm in dire need of a padded helmet. I swore and swore that it existed.

So, to all the nonbelievers, let me present to you Time Killers, the video game that resulted in no sleep for 48 hours.




You may watch it and think "man, Mortal Kombat was worse than this." Well, this video actually shows the part that fucked me up. Go to 2:28 in the video and you'll see decapitated heads on stakes all around and Rancid (my punk chainsaw guy I tried to explain) as he gets cut into little twitching pieces.

Thank Youtube for the random strange things I try to explain sometimes. Youtube has become my own personal little powerpoint of life.

BIRFDAY CRACK.

My birthday is this Friday and my partner in Hallmark crime Chris says that we should have a 40's night as a celebration.

For those who aren't aware: 40's night is a special night with friends where we gather on a dirty carpet in a cottage and drink 40oz Steel Reserves or any other cheap alcohol until blessed euphoria sweeps over us (This particular euphoria has the aftertaste of a steer's bum). Remember: real college kids can't afford wine coolers and microbeers. they can afford two dollars worth of paint thinner equivalency.


Anyway, I think it's a lovely idea to celebrate with a 40's night. Then the best idea comes up.

We'll have a crackhead 40s night themed birthday party extravaganza. We'll go all out too. We'll wear dirty flannel, ripped clothes, and skull caps with broken cigarettes hanging out our mouths. It'll be beautiful. We'll even go buy our 40s dressed like that. We need to be authentic about it.



Is it offensive? yeah. Is it cruel? yeah. Do we care? Not exactly.

Will we probably do it?
-if we do, there will be pictures, I absolutely promise you.