Friday, June 12, 2009

Oprah, your tyranny shall end.

Months ago I wrote a letter to Oprah regarding my friend Vicki injuring herself after watching one of Oprah's intense exercise specials. The letter I wrote is as follows:

Hello, Oprah. I cannot say I am a fan of your show. I have actually never watched one episode. It was a choice between you or Match Game '78 on the game show network. However, that is not what I'm here to talk about.My friend, Vicki Belasco, came to me after watching an episode of yours called "Good Life" sometime earlier this month (January). She told me that you inspired her to get herself in better shape and take better care of herself. She seemed terribly excited over the idea. I suggested we go out and get a beer, but she resisted and said she must begin working out immediately.Today I found out that she severely pulled her back on an ab machine due to her extreme vigor and excitement. She is in pain and is having difficulty with normal daily activities such as yoga and smoking cigarettes. Her vigor is the result of your charisma and charm. You are to blame, Oprah. We do not expect reparation, although that would be mighty kind. We just want a formal apology for your drive and inspiration that caused this scene. Thank you for your consideration. Take care, Oprah. Be strong. But not too strong as to hurt another fan.

I never did recieve any letter or even a reparation check. I'm pulling the bullshit card on you, Oprah.

Well another incident has occurred and this time I want satisfaction - well, satisfacation by living vicariously through Vicki's pain.

To Whom it May Concern (that means you, Oprah):
Months ago, I sent you a letter regarding my friend's injury from watching your television program. She became overwhelmed by your diet and exercise program and hurt her back on an Ab Cruncher. I was hoping that a reponse or reparations would come in due time, but never did.
However, I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to tell you of more sad news.
She hurt herself again.
Yes, Oprah. You did it again. Your inspiration and empowering motivation has led Vicki to yet another injury. She watched a commercial about a show about sex offenders airing on Friday (today - June 12) and became overwhelmed. She ran down the hallway to announce to her grandmother that sex offenders were coming after her body and proceeded to trip on the stairs. She was in severe pain and almost broke her leg.
Today is Friday. I'm terrified for her life. If she watches this episode today, god knows what could happen to her?
Your motivation, although powerful and endearing to most, is dangerous and the world needs to know this. I hope you read this letter because you've touched a girl too deeply and its affecting her life and those around her. You've touched thousands of women, Oprah. Deeply. See where I'm going with this?
I expect at least a response and two apologies. One for the first injury and one for the most recent one. Better apologize three times since I'm pretty sure that after Vicki views this episode, another will be necessary.
Never seen your show,
Toni O.

Come on, Oprah. It's your move.



Someone said...

This, is, art.

Anonymous said...

oh my noel, this shit is fucking brilliant. the best part is i imagine you reading it aloud. LOLL